How I Learned Not To Care What Other People Think

It is often said that one path to happiness is to cease to care about the opinion of others. We are told if we can shed every word, not letting any judgment of anyone else penetrate our hearts and minds, that we will be released from a heavy burden.

I do not claim to be perfect, or the best at anything, or to have found universal harmony or happiness. I have, however, learned to discount 90% of what others think and say about my life and choices. I can attest that it is incredibly freeing and disposes of a lot of useless stress.

The majority of this skill is comprised of what others think about my appearance. I've been on the heavy side my entire life (at 1 month old family, friends, and my doctor thought I was 3 months) and this used to cause me embarrassment and shame. I've never been one to follow fashion, and when that concept was explained to me in my middle teens I began to feel self-concious of my clothing as well.

The first layer was theatre. There are a lot of unique people in theatre. I was shown that they, almost to a stage-hand, did not need to have the approval of others to be happy. This overwhelming agreement on a subject built on the foundation of my homeschooling upbringing, also a social group comprised of unique individuals unconcerned with the opinion of the world.

The second layer was live action role play. Yet another group of very unique people who could not care less about the opinions of others. The group I joined gathered in a public park every Sunday and sometimes walked or bussed home in their “garb” or costumes. At first I was somewhat reluctant to fully engage in a sport which, at its basic level, is all about running around beating on each other with pool-noodle swords. I loved it though and gradually came to be a fully fledged member.

The third layer was cosplay and geek conventions. Similar to LARPing, cosplaying is dressing up in sometimes very strange and gender-reversing costumes, in public. The key to all three of these, I think, was the fact that you are in a group. Riding a bus in a costume, alone, still requires some courage on my part.

The key was years of exposure therapy and the comeraderie of people who were having the time of their lives. This has allowed me to implement many unusual things in my life that have greatly contributed to my happiness. My hair is a great example. I got some looks the first time I cut my hair an inch short, however the fact that I can spend 30 seconds on it per day and still look exactly the way I want to look is basically a miracle.

All of that being said, those close to me still have the ability to effect me with their opinions. I am not an island ‘gainst whom no entreaties may change. I am lucky enough to have an intimate circle comprised of those who truly want what is best for me and recognize that I am the best judge of that. I genuinely have no idea what I would be able to do if someone I loved was dead set against a decision I felt I needed to make.

To anyone searching for how to care less about the opinions of others, my advice is simple: act in a play, cosplay at a con, and join your nearest LARP group.

The Needs of the Many

Lately, whenever I hear about any tragedy, in which human choice played a part, I always experience two distinct things. First, naturally, I feel sadness for the suffering of the victims, their families, and humanity at large for the blow we all must suffer when basic human rights are violated. The second thing I feel is curiosity: what did that individual need, that they were not getting, that caused them to make this choice?

Every living thing on this planet has needs. Humans often confuse needs with wants, and therein lies part of the problem. I differentiate them by duration. In my experience, of myself, a want will fade with time and a need will remain, or even increase, with neglect. When a human’s needs are not met, they go about trying to get them met, sometimes in destructive ways.

What wrongs were perpetrated in the past that contributed to violence in the present? What word or deed could have healed a hurt that caused blood to be spilled? Who first taught the lesson of hate that, snowball-like, gained momentum and power, eventually destroying many lives?

Needs left unmet can cause harm on a much smaller scale. Sleep deprivation can cause a new mother to snap at a salesperson. Low blood sugar can cause a customer to be impatient with a waitress. We are all, of course, always responsible for our choices, but we are also affected by our needs.

Self care, as I have said in the past, can seem selfish. Considered in this light, however, it may be seen as an act of charity and kindness to the world at large. When we take care of ourselves, our needs, we have more opportunity to treat the other people in our sphere of influence well.

What need of yours could you meet to benefit humanity?

YetiCon 2016

This past weekend I spent several fun-filled hours at YetiCon, up near Collingwood, at Blue Mountain. My very high expectations were in no way disappointed. This con did everything right, in my opinion. I'm sure even Thor Odinson was impressed.

Some highlights for me include the gift of a watergun I was given for registering early, the frankly adorable mascot, the stellar location, the opportunities to avail ourselves of some of the top-quality activities at Blue Mountain, the friendly, informed, open, and just plain awesome staff. Also, this fantastic Fem!Bucky whose hair game was rocking my world.

I also got to spend time with some awesome con pals. The above shot is of Castiel (left) and Gabriel (right) from Supernatural. I made both sets of wings. It was intensely gratifying to be able to cosplay with my dear friend after so much time searching for exactly the right coat.

On Sunday I got to try out a new closet cosplay. Pictured here alongside colonial Jack Frost, I managed to pull off early Daredevil, before he gets his cool suit.

I also hosted another panel. Thanks to everyone who came out and made it (hopefully) a good experience for all involved.

The only monkey wrench in the weekend was the fact that my rear right tire went mysteriously flat during Friday night. However, with the help of one of my hotel roomies, I was able to change it for the spare. Definitely leveled up in adult-ness.

ADHD and the Smartwatch

This past week I purchased a Pebble Time smartwatch for use in my business. It allows me to be notified of emails quickly so I can respond in a timely manner and have instant access to my schedule. These are the features that drew me to my first experience of wearable technology. However the more I've used it the more it is showing itself to be one of the most useful things for my ADHD I've encountered in quite a while.

There are people who look askance at anyone who uses and relies on technology heavily. Especially a young person, fearing, I assume, that it is harmful to them. Certainly modern technology has had negative impacts on people, most notably to me the disconnection instant access has caused first world societies, socially.

However, it doesn't behoove anyone to dismiss or judge how others live their lives.

While in my ADDCA coach training, the co-founder, David Giwerc, extolled the uses dictation software had and the freedom it allowed him in writing his book Permission to Proceed. He finds typing very difficult and tedious and were it not for this software, he told me and my classmates, the book would not have been written.

Similarly the reminder app Alarmed allows me to run my life and business smoothly where otherwise I would need a full-time personal assistant and/or maid. That being said, should the zombie horde rise up, my life will instantly fall to pieces. But then again, not many people need to check their email during the apocalypse so perhaps everything will even out in the end.

Another feature of the Pebble Time is the sleep and step tracking. For the first time in my life I know how far I walk in a day (and have extra encouragement to increase that distance) and how much sleep and deep sleep I get each night. Exercise and sleep are two cornerstones of ADHD management and studies have even shown that, in some cases, exercise can replace ADHD medication, without the side effects.

I've also tried the Pomodoro technique for the first time as a result of a Pebble Time app.

The absolute best ADHD management benefit though, in my opinion, is the streamlined nature of my focus. When a notification goes off on my phone, I'm tempted to open it, play a game, check Facebook, and so on. Even if I simply check email, I waste time. When a notification comes in on the watch, I can screen the importance, and avoid the temptation and distractions.

As with so many things, the key to making technology work for you is balance.

Anime North 2016

(Captain America)

There is no way to capture any Anime North weekend in one blog post. But I'll try.

This was the first con I'd ever attended as a panelist and it went better than I ever could have dreamed. My other three fellow panelists were all brilliant and erudite. My panel audience was full of fantastic stories and successes. My venue was huge and not even a little intimidating. Not at all. Nope.

(I want to say Sansa Stark. Forgive me. I only just watched season 1.)

The heat was intense and the sun was brutal. I heard stories of heatstroke and shuddered at the sight of skin-tight pleather, fur, armour, and full-face helmets. Cosplayers are warriors who daily battle the elements and their own fatigue in pursuit of their art.

(Auditore Assassin)

One of the most amusing things that happened to me this weekend was me and my hotel-room-mates' reaction to Saturday. After being at the con since 10AM, we all headed back to the room at about 5PM. We somewhat intended to return for the masquerade, but we ended up ordering pizza, playing cards, and then going to bed. We had just as much fun chilling out with con pals as we would have back at the con. Such is the life of introverts.

All around fantastically fun weekend. Special thanks to the AN staff who are a hard-working bunch of folks, to my fellow panelists (especially Abbadon who picked us up our badges), and to everyone who made my con special.

ADHD in Fiction Case Study: Tony Stark

The characters in works of fiction don’t just leap onto the page from a void. Every artist who creates memorable characters draws from their life experiences. Traits, mannerisms, and expressions the creator has seen, come to life in the creation.

There’s no such person as Tony Stark and there’s no such thing as the Iron Man suit, in real life. If there were, though, I’d bet you dollars to donuts he could be diagnosed with ADHD. Not that he'd be likely to seek out professional help.

I watched all three Iron Man films, as well as The Avengers, over the weekend, in preparation for seeing Captain America: Civil War today. The following are my observations of behaviours consistent with my experience of ADHD, present in Tony Stark. Some of them are “official” signs and symptoms, and others are known as “soft signs” or patterns those in the mental health professions have identified, but can't quantify scientifically.

One of the most noticeable things to me about the Iron Man films is the chaotic nature of the dialogue. Most movies have actors speaking in a very clean way, almost never interrupting each other or talking over one another. This is very unlike real life where people continually collide verbally. Not so in films starring Iron Man. Tony habitually talks over other characters, interrupting and cutting them off.

No doubts about Tony’s reputation for thrill-seeking and risk taking. He drives powerful cars very fast, his suits are the ultimate expression of man’s desire for flight, and in the first movie he demonstrates a missile presumably in a war-zone.

In his early life there are multiple examples of his promiscuity. Monogamy is a challenge for him after a lifestyle of constantly new and exciting partners.

His memory is very good, until it comes to boring things, like his assistant’s birthday or her allergy to strawberries.

Several on-screen events and implications lead me to believe Tony has never once been on time for anything. It’s a good thing his wealth allows him the freedom never to have to miss a flight.

On the other hand if someone else is late or even a fraction of a second behind him, they are suddenly very irritating. He does not wait for anything he doesn’t have to. Which is linked to impulsivity, shown in his disregard for diagnostics of equipment, safety checks, and his extremely impulsive statement at the end of the first movie: “I am Iron Man.”

However Tony Stark is undeniably charming, charismatic, and a natural leader. Despite all the aforementioned traits, women flock to him, and his friends remain loyal. Pepper Potts seems to be the only person able to bring Tony to heel.

When working in his shop, the world disappears. He becomes oblivious to everyone and everything, lost in the science and mechanics that are his true passion. In the world of ADHD we call that “hyper-focus”. It’s probably physically painful when someone interrupts this intense focus.

Though oblivious to a lot of things, when an issue of injustice becomes apparent to him, Tony reacts strongly toward correcting it. He takes risks and defies traditions in order to set right what was wrong.

Tony is shown drinking heavily in several scenes and in the comic books he develops a severe drinking problem. It may even be argued that he is also addicted to adrenaline.

Underneath his devil-may-care attitude, he is a very emotional person. His feelings are real, and deep, even if he lacks the capacity to express himself or show that he cares through action.

“I don’t like being handed things” is a phrase he repeats often and is likely a mechanism to avoid responsibility that will overwhelm him and that he believes he will eventually fail to live up to.

Any location Tony Stark has been working is invariably a chaotic and messy place. It’s likely he knows where every piece of equipment is at any given time, but to any other brain the space looks overcrowded and unlivable.

Despite the chaos he creates, all environments must be completely within his control. The comforts of his wealthy lifestyle must be immediately to hand at all times. Even to the point of bringing a fully-automatic drinks cabinet to the Middle East.

To many, his high profile public image may speak to an unhealthy need for attention. From an ADHD perspective, all that notoriety struggles to fill a deep-seated need for validation, one that may never be truly filled.

A classic ADHD trait Tony often exhibits is distractibility. The smallest thing can catch and hold his attention away from more “important” matters. However, importance takes a backseat to interest every time, for the ADHD brain.

When something does catch his interest though, his attention is hooked, as mentioned before. He is prolific in his area of interest, working 72 hours without sleep. It's also worth noting that Tony carves out his own operating systems to suit himself. ADHD rarely finds a ready-made system that works for them; we tend to make our own.

When a problem presents itself, Tony is a creative, outside-the-box thinker. You need to be if you intend to save 13 people falling from a plane when you can only carry 4. He was even compared to Da Vinci who some have speculated probably had ADHD himself. “Following’s not really my style.”

Although it may not seem like it, I believe Tony has a strong sense of empathy for the emotions and pain of others. He puts up a sarcastic mask for most of the world, thereby protecting himself from the inevitable pain of emotional connection.

He is a Maverick in the truest sense of the term. He finds delight in defying authority and fun in recklessness. He lives by his own rules. “I have a plan: attack.”

His mouth and mind work twice as fast as most of those around him. He's smart, but also a smart-mouth and undoubtedly the class clown as a child. “Genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist.”

He can be very observant, spotting a helicarrier crew member playing a computer game on the bridge of over two dozen people.

Even Pepper Potts is a sign of Tony’s ADHD. Starting out as the assistant who handled all the day-to-day duties too boring for the man himself to attend to, she then became the organized partner who assists the ADHD individual to thrive, unburdened by the tasks their brain can't handle.

Tony remarked once that he has a “laundry list of character defects” and so might these appear to the untrained eye. However, looking through a lens of ADHD, it all becomes clear to me. I empathize with almost every one of these so-called “defects”. Knowledge is the key to eliminating stigma.

Gratitude for Discomfort

I have been incredibly lucky in my life. I am surrounded by very smart, kind, caring people, all of whom want to see me succeed and rejoice in my achievements, just as I rejoice in theirs. From birth I have received support and assistance that allowed me to live the way I chose, in the manner that best fit me.

I was spared some experiences that most ADHD individuals struggle with and suffer throughout their lives, before becoming diagnosed and treated. As a result however, at times I have doubted my diagnosis because I see those struggles in the lives of others and not in my own.

Recently, however, I was lucky enough to have experiences that proved to me that, in fact, my diagnosis is correct. I struggled with tasks that most people find simple and easy. The experiences ranged from uncomfortable to downright painful. I don't believe many people would understand crying over a business plan. People with ADHD would.

In the moment of suffering, it's hard to discover any kernel of truth or knowledge among the pain. Thinking back on it, however, I have realized how valuable these experiences have been. If I barely survived a 5 1/2 hour workshop by knitting throughout (it would take about 6 more workshops to finish my sweater) what must people like me have gone through in school 5 days a week for 12 years?

Empathy is a very powerful tool for connecting to people and gaining their trust, two essential skills for a coach. I have gained real-world knowledge that adds to my ability to empathize. For that I am grateful.

I wonder what other uncomfortable events and experiences could reveal knowledge and learning, if only I looked?