9 Ways to Flourish Through Coaching

It took me a while to remember that the coach who became the reason I pursued this path was not my first ADHD coach. I’d worked with another coach some years before, but the memory hadn’t stuck with me because I’d gained little benefit from the experience. I’ve realised this is because I approached the second coaching relationship with a completely different set of attitudes and intentions then the first. Here are some of the things I’d advise anyone who wishes to gain full benefit from coaching to do.

1. Come prepared

From the very first session, and each session after that, figure out what it is you want to work on with your coach. A great way to do this is to compile a list of topics and challenges before your first session so you have ample material that will pull you toward your goals. You can also watch for topics throughout the week, in between sessions. I found after a while I began to see exactly what I wanted out of certain topics, such as a plan or clarifying what was tripping me up in a particular area.

2. Be aware

Knowing where you are in each area of your life is awesome for getting a jump-start on changing the areas that most need attention. When you know you have a tendency to neglect your physical health, for example, it makes it easier to begin to address that challenge. There are many tools for assisting with this such as filling out a life wheel.

3. Homework

There are many names for this, such as action steps, intentions, and “help-work” which is a particularly upbeat one I learned at ADDCA. It’s essential to keep careful track of the things you plan to do between sessions. This also looks different to different people. I personally use a notebook and reminder app. Whatever way works for you, use it to remember and stay aware of the actions you and your coach figure out together.

4. Ask for what you need

In the style of coaching I was taught, it is part of the coach’s job to assist in challenging the client the correct amount so they are launched forward and do not become overwhelmed. Figure out what this looks like for you and ask your coach to partner with you in planning it. I’ve found that answering quickly when asked about challenging myself leads to overwhelm or not challenging myself enough. I now give myself permission to pause and really consider myself, the week ahead, my energy, and other factors that impact my current ability to be challenged.

5. Detailed plans

When the action steps have been decided, be as detailed as needed in order to have the highest possibility of success. Also watch out for getting caught up in the planning as a way to avoid taking the first step. This is a behavior I’ve found myself in all too often.

6. Regularly reassess

Make sure to frequently check in on the progress toward goals. This will assist with awareness if something is stuck and impeding progress. I find it helps me to simply remember goals. I have so many plates I’m spinning all at once that it’s easy for one to fall without me noticing.

7. Celebrate successes

The other thing number 6 can do is highlight victories and successes. Actively look for those, during every coaching session and in between. Celebration can be a powerful force in momentum forward. When I check on the spinning plates and find none have fallen that is definitely cause for some celebratory dancing.

8. Prioritize self care

Particularly for those of us with ADHD, no one can achieve their full potential if they are not operating at peak performance. Start with Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and figure out what you need to get all your needs met. I review my considerable list of needs frequently and am always at my happiest and most efficient when they are more consistently met.

9. Take full advantage

Any given coach may offer a range of services in addition to coaching session. Ask about these and see if any would benefit you. As a coach, as long as boundaries are respected on both sides, I am always thrilled when a client utilizes all possible benefit I can be to them.

What allowed you to gain the most from an opportunity to change?

I Tried to Unplug for One Day

Recently I’d had some great success with productivity in both business I am running and co-running. I even stayed up until midnight a few weeks ago in order to fulfill my hours quota, such was the motivation I’d found.

The plates I was spinning of Green Door Life Coaching and Ringcrafts were solid, no sign of wobble. Then, without me even noticing, my self care plate fell. Usually I notice at least the clatter as it hits the floor, but not this time. Then my sleep plate fell. And when that plate goes down it usually pulls almost all the others down with it.

So on October 1st, I started a 30 day self care challenge of my own creation. Each day I am tasked with an item of self care that will also hopefully set a trend. One early item was drink either a cup of green tea or a large glass of lemon water. Since then I’ve been fairly diligent in my habit of drinking at least one of these two hydrating items.

Then came the item ‘Unplug for a day’ and with it a philosophical conundrum. I scheduled the day on October 8th because the day it happened to land on was a day I needed technology for business purposes. When October 8th came however, I was excited and looking forward to the break from all things wired, but problems just kept cropping up.

The first was the fact that I am not able to take a complete break from tech because my clients need to be able to reach me. So I made that my first exception, for my smartwatch, email, and phone.

The second exception was my poor dopamine production as a result of my ADHD. I rely heavily on Netflix to give me the dopamine I need to have executive functions. So if I banned Netflix/DVDs/YouTube/Podcasts I would not be giving myself a refreshing break but actually dooming myself to a painful and boring lack of productivity on either work or leisure activities.

So I decided I would listen to music out loud, with no headphones to reduce the technological impact, and watch Netflix only with my husband. This was a great theory, but it assumed my husband would be available and we would be able to agree on what to watch. This was not the case so that rule too fell by the wayside.

The third issue was that of my routines. The items are housed in a list in my phone. Without that item of technology essential tasks would go undone. So I made an exception for that as well as all the items of work listed in the phone. Concession after concession.

At the end of October 8th, the only difference between my “unplugged” day and a regular day was all the extra work of trying to figure out how to function without technology. I did not feel refreshed, except for one thing: I actively sought out ways to produce dopamine without technology and ended up taking the time to engage with people.

There was a time when my use of technology was very harmful to me. The fact that taking technology away was harmful now tells me that I have finally reached a good balance. This is an amazing accomplishment for me.

The lessons I am drawing from this:

1: When you try and do things just because conventional wisdom says it’s beneficial, you are likely to be missing something.

2: Going to extremes isn’t helpful.

3: All of the above doesn’t mean stopping to smell the roses is bad.

How would you define ‘unplugging’?

Small Bits of Happiness

There are so many theories on happiness. Just so incredibly many. I tend to go with the ones backed by science and my own experience.

Small amounts of happiness spread out over time are considerably more beneficial to mental health than large amounts of happiness once in awhile. This seems like common sense, since it was presented to me in that way. Though, like so many things, it is way easier said than done.

I think this is partly because of what our culture finds “acceptable” in terms of self-care. Vacations are a generally accepted form of self-care, and those are usually big, and infrequent. Self-care that happens often can often be viewed, erroneously, as selfish and outside of what is needed.

One way to assist with increasing these little pieces of happiness is to schedule self-care into your day/week.

Another is to insert it in other creative ways.

I love receiving messages first thing when I wake up. I subscribed to Notes from the Universe for this reason. And if you’re like me, you probably have a 99+ Watch Later YouTube playlist. I decided to combine these things.

Through the automated text service Remindr you can send yourself emails (as well as texts/calls) at certain times. Copy the link to a video from the Watch Later playlist into an email, one per day/weekday, and watch the video when it arrives in the morning. Laughter is a great way to give that little boost of energy needed to pop out of bed. Just make sure you’re not at work if you have NSFW videos in the playlist.

The other great thing about this strategy is I completely forget what’s in those emails by the time they arrive so it’s like a little lottery of novelty in my day. Novelty is fantastic for ADHD because it helps us produce dopamine.

What small bits of happiness can you accumulate?

The Needs of the Many

Lately, whenever I hear about any tragedy, in which human choice played a part, I always experience two distinct things. First, naturally, I feel sadness for the suffering of the victims, their families, and humanity at large for the blow we all must suffer when basic human rights are violated. The second thing I feel is curiosity: what did that individual need, that they were not getting, that caused them to make this choice?

Every living thing on this planet has needs. Humans often confuse needs with wants, and therein lies part of the problem. I differentiate them by duration. In my experience, of myself, a want will fade with time and a need will remain, or even increase, with neglect. When a human’s needs are not met, they go about trying to get them met, sometimes in destructive ways.

What wrongs were perpetrated in the past that contributed to violence in the present? What word or deed could have healed a hurt that caused blood to be spilled? Who first taught the lesson of hate that, snowball-like, gained momentum and power, eventually destroying many lives?

Needs left unmet can cause harm on a much smaller scale. Sleep deprivation can cause a new mother to snap at a salesperson. Low blood sugar can cause a customer to be impatient with a waitress. We are all, of course, always responsible for our choices, but we are also affected by our needs.

Self care, as I have said in the past, can seem selfish. Considered in this light, however, it may be seen as an act of charity and kindness to the world at large. When we take care of ourselves, our needs, we have more opportunity to treat the other people in our sphere of influence well.

What need of yours could you meet to benefit humanity?

The Paradox of Accumulative Action

There is a well-known strategy for accomplishing a large task that was first explained to me by the FlyLady. Marla’s essential concept is 15 minutes of decluttering a day piles up over time until before you know it your home is under control. It has many more nuances and helpful layers than that, but that is the core principle.

I have put this into practice in my own life in many ways. Decluttering is one (though I must confess most of my decluttering happens in large, unintentionally overwhelming chunks), knitting is another, and working on goals one step per day. Another way is the restocking list that we use at Ringcrafts to slowly recreate products sold to customers for our next show.

The most fascinating thing about the 15-minutes-a-day principle to me is its paradoxical counterpart. Just as 15 minutes can accumulate to accomplish great things, so can small, inconsequential things wear a human mind down to the point where they are wallowing in a pit, with no idea how they got there.

A critical comment isn't that hard to deal with, for most of us. Or being late for an appointment, once. Or breaking a plate. Or losing your keys. Or hearing of the death of a favourite actor. Or having to cancel time of relaxation in favour of work. All of these things on their own are not noticeably detrimental, in the natural course of things.

What if they all added up? Little things, over time, just poking at us, draining little bits of our energy, wearing down our ability to function. It happens. It happens to everyone, at one time or another. And then what happens if something really huge hits us? What's left in reserve to bring to bear on the new problem?

The one half of this paradox is the other's solution. It does take effort, though, to consciously decide to take that 15 minutes per day for ourselves, to do whatever it is that recharges our ability to function properly. And it takes courage to be honest with ourselves about what that is.

Are you ready for that challenge?

The Importance of Doing Self-Care (A Trivial Activity for Serious People)

Everyone has their limit. Many things affect the limit, and it looks different to every person, but it's there. Waiting. Lurking. Unseen and in many cases, dangerously undefined and uncertain.

My limit is usually heralded by tears. Something strikes me a certain way and here come the water works, not because the thing was necessarily that bad, but just because it's too much in that moment. When I'm chugging away on all cylinders, that thing wouldn't have gotten me down.

But take heart, friends. And take heed, for there is a magic thing you and I can do to prevent and lessen this limit-breaking stress. And it's two little words that mean just as much variety in content as does the word ‘limit’:

Self care.

Some people tend to look on self care as ‘coddling’ or ‘sheltering’ or being ‘lazy’ or ‘selfish’. You know what I think is selfish? Running on empty until you crash and burn, therefore causing others to have to pick up your pieces.

My approach to self care is the idea that many small things over time create something big. This goes both ways. Ignoring many small things that hurt eventually build up to something huge and insurmountable. Conversely, many small actions that heal eventually build up to something huge and fortifying.

I'm not talking vacations to Maui and $100 bottles of champagne. I'm talking my favourite slippers instead of cold feet and going to bed when I need to instead of being on Facebook for hours.

I often tell myself I don't have time to do self care. Maybe that's true.

What I really don't have time for, however, is not doing self care.