What Works (With No Apology)

Judgement is a huge problem. Receiving it, having it poison your life, harboring it, expressing it, and still having it poison your life. It’s never a useful thing, except in those rare occasions when it is objective and requested/needed/welcomed.

It can also come up in very unexpected places and ways. Such as strategies for functioning in one’s life.

A lot of strategies and techniques folks with ADHD use appear very strange and confusing to neurotypicals viewing it from outside our brains. To be fair, though, their ability to decide to do something and then actually do it is equally strange and confusing to us. But those outside voices may judge us, or we may judge ourselves for what is actually the only way we get things done.

A great example is tech shaming. I rely on my phone and its reminder app for running 99% of my life. A lot of people have commented on the amount of time I spend on my phone and the frequency that I consult it. It is sometimes hard for me to ignore those voices and remember that, without this technology, I simply do not function. My executive function, chief among them memory, cannot cope with my life without this aid.

The flip-side of this concept, as I’ve been observing it, is the idea of “because this: that”. The idea that because strategy ABC has this attribute, say endorsement from a celebrity, prescribed by a doctor, prescribed by an alternate professional, written in a book, talked about on the internet, that it automatically is either 100% guaranteed or completely useless. When we lock ourselves into certain mind-frames, or assume, we invariably miss things.

My coach training served to solidify an idea that I’d been working on for some years: something works only if it works. Until you try something, you cannot know, for certain, if something is a help or a harm. That is the bottom line. Coaching is all about finding that unusual solution that just works for whatever miraculous and inexplicable reason.

This judgement thing though... Even when we know it’s in play, we can still allow it to affect us. I still feel shame every time I hear someone say “These kids nowadays with their iThings...” And I am fairly good at not caring what others think of me. It can keep us from embracing our true selves because we aren’t what common knowledge says is correct.

So I say: do everything you can to break free of judgement, from yourself or the world, and embrace what truly works for you, no matter how strange it may seem!

What’s standing in your way?

14 Ways ADHD is Like a Dragon

It occurred to me recently that Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder bears a strong resemblance to dragons.

1. When not well understood or respected, can cause devastating consequences. Conversely, when well understood, can be powerful ally.

Many people are unaware of their ADHD brain wiring and as such have no explanation or recourse when things seem to be falling to pieces around them. However, there are examples of people who credit their success to their ADHD. (I am one of those, even if I'm not famous... Yet. ;) This is, in my opinion, a result of a good understanding of the ways in which it manifests, acknowledging the challenges, and celebrating and nurturing the strengths.

2. It loves to steal all your gold.

ADHD brains are notoriously bad with money. We often need programs, techniques, partners, or other assistance to be able to effectively balance our finances.

3. It can be very difficult to study and tame it.

The frequent occurrences of sleep problems, comorbid conditions, and the wide variety of symptomology can obscure ADHD and its effects on our lives. Once knowledge has been gained, there is even more hard work to create and maintain tools for managing it day to day and year to year.

4. It loves to sleep for long periods of time.

Despite the 80% chance of a sleep issue, lots of ADHD folks love to sleep. It offers us a release from our sometimes crushing lives and refreshes us for another day.

5. There can be a hot temper involved.

Flash anger and other anger management issues are very common among ADHD individuals. Some of us mask it better than others, but it is very often there all the same.

6. Though on the outside it may appear to be tough, it is not so on the inside, and this can be the downfall.

The world can be unkind to us. This can cause us to present a tough, hardened face to the world. No matter how long this is maintained, however, it does not change the inner sensitivity.

7. Sometimes it can lay dormant for years, only to appear suddenly, without warning, laying waste to everything in sight.

New research has suggested that ADHD can manifest much later than previously thought. Or, if someone has had all their executive functioning taken care of by someone else, a spouse or personal assistant, and then suddenly that support is removed, their symptoms can flare up or become obvious for the first time in their lives, even in middle or later years.

8. It is possessed of an innate magic others often do not comprehend.

Not everything about ADHD is negative, despite what some would have it believed. ADHD often gives boosts to things like creativity and spontaneity. These carefree abilities may seem mystical to others.

9. There are many different kinds, each with its own unique qualities.

ADHD is currently divided into three sub-types: hyperactive (the classic, widely-known), inattentive (the dreamer), and combined-type (a combination of hyperactive and inattentive). Some experts are calling for more, as many as seven types.

10. No two examples look the same or have the same abilities and characteristics.

...and even only in the three official types, the degree and variation are such that I doubt two identical ADHD brains could be found.

11. Can be extremely self-involved and oblivious to others, crushing them under its feet.

People with ADHD are often accused of not caring about others. This is often completely untrue, but the illusion of not caring is created by the focus of the person simply being elsewhere. Our brains naturally focus on the most interesting or “stimulating” thing in our field of awareness. This does not mean everything else is unimportant, it is just how our brains are wired and it takes a colossal amount of effort to shift it to something less attention-grabbing. This is why I, and many other ADHD individuals, dislike socializing in sports bars. The TVs all around us grab our attention away from where we truly want it to be.

12. Completely rubbish at paperwork.

Paperwork is ADHD’s Kryptonite. The tedium forces our brains to use up dopamine very rapidly when we already have a limited supply and/or ability to produce, store, and use it.

13. Widely misunderstood and shrouded in mystery.

The public is frustratingly inundated with misinformation about ADHD. And gaining access to the facts, while having vastly improved in recent years, it still not nearly as easy as clickbait about the “false” disorder.

14. Often involved in epic adventures.

Novelty is one of the best possible things to offer someone with ADHD. We live for it and the buzz it gives our brains. Spur-of-the-moment road-trip? I’m down. Last-minute camping across the country? Sign me up! The stranger and more exciting the better. We don’t stop to think, we just dive right in.

Cooking Videos Demystifying Life

Lately I’ve been seeing quite a few cooking videos on my social media feeds. They are mesmerizing and make me itch to get into the kitchen even more often than I do - I love cooking. I’ve been wondering what it is about them that makes me so happy, other than the obvious satisfying imagery and potential for delicious meals in my future.

I came to the conclusion recently that they serve a dire need that’s been irritating my subconscious for years: the demystification of cooking for more people. In the videos, the chefs are implied to be ordinary people, they often spill ingredients, and the preparation is never “perfect”. It simply works and produces tantalizing results.

Food was never a mystery for me. At a young age my persistent and impatient hunger demanded I dive into its preparation and construction. I did see, however, that this is not how many others view cooking. Somewhat because it was made to be unattainable, something that only professionals and mothers could do.

The same can be said for many other aspects of life. When something is mysterious, it can be viewed as more difficult than it really is. I feel strongly that stripping away the mystery is one way to make life easier. This is part of what I do as a coach. I assist people to demystify their own workings so life can be made easier.

People have complimented me on my punctuality and I have been quick to demystify that, as well. My family were chronically late. It was a running joke among our friends and family, some of whom had similar habits. So when I got a job that required me to ride a bus, I either learned to be punctual, even 10-20 minutes early, or was 30-45 minutes late to my shift.

My current system includes the calendar on my smartphone, connected to my smartwatch, a daily routine of checking the calendar each morning, then setting alarms for each item on my schedule. This is what is required to make me on time. Nothing mysterious about it, except years of trial and error, a lot of education on ADHD, and iron-clad rules holding it all in place.

What mysteries remain to be dashed?

Who Says? (An examination of norms)

Most people grow up “just knowing” certain things. We learn things from the cultures we inhabit that become ingrained so deeply in us that we often do not remember the exact origins. They are undercurrents, stemming from family, from society, from social groups. They are also very hard to ignore.

They can range from deeply harmful to neutral to helpful, depending on the specific item, the person, and the circumstance. One I have always loved is in my family we always try and make something before buying it. “Oh I can make that, and for a fraction of the price.” I assumed everyone was like that.

Other ideas can be less useful. Like the ideas that universal problems have universal solutions. Very few people are born with the tools to handle all of life’s problems. We often must learn our own unique ways to deal, especially when ADHD is involved. However different is often suspect, to other people, and even to ourselves.

“If you have trouble managing money, just make a budget and you’ll be fine.” Sure, budgeting can be a powerful tool for money management. This does not mean it works for everyone, in every circumstance, in every stage of life. Assuming it will work for you, and conversely if it does not there is something “wrong” with you, can cause huge problems. Self esteem, emotional, relationship, and, obviously, financial.

So, exactly who says that you must do it that way? Who says the widely accepted solution will work for everyone? Who says certain activities or behaviors are only acceptable under a certain age? I don't know the answers to these questions, but I do know, and have witnessed countless times, that trying to force yourself into a shape that does not work, regardless of your brain chemistry or diagnosis, is harmful. Every. Single. Time.

I have found, the best solutions are the ones tailored specifically to the people using them. “Weird” or “unusual” are judgements sometimes applied to these unique solutions and are an unfortunate reality of throwing off “general knowledge” in favor of a custom-made path. These judgements can come from others or even ourselves.

For me, the first step in embracing these “unusual” solutions was ceasing to care what others think (as much). Once others’ opinions make less of an impact, the road to unique happiness stands more open and is easier to travel. The next step was knowledge/education. What other ideas and experiments were out there? What tidbits could I acquire, magpie-like, to slowly build whole frameworks for my life?

The result (and by no means the end of a journey) was very weird and strange (both terms used in pride) methods of living that are shaped specifically to me and that serve me in incredibly unique ways. It is a circumstance I never would have believed possible five years ago.

What preconceived notions are affecting your life?