How I Learned Not To Care What Other People Think

It is often said that one path to happiness is to cease to care about the opinion of others. We are told if we can shed every word, not letting any judgment of anyone else penetrate our hearts and minds, that we will be released from a heavy burden.

I do not claim to be perfect, or the best at anything, or to have found universal harmony or happiness. I have, however, learned to discount 90% of what others think and say about my life and choices. I can attest that it is incredibly freeing and disposes of a lot of useless stress.

The majority of this skill is comprised of what others think about my appearance. I've been on the heavy side my entire life (at 1 month old family, friends, and my doctor thought I was 3 months) and this used to cause me embarrassment and shame. I've never been one to follow fashion, and when that concept was explained to me in my middle teens I began to feel self-concious of my clothing as well.

The first layer was theatre. There are a lot of unique people in theatre. I was shown that they, almost to a stage-hand, did not need to have the approval of others to be happy. This overwhelming agreement on a subject built on the foundation of my homeschooling upbringing, also a social group comprised of unique individuals unconcerned with the opinion of the world.

The second layer was live action role play. Yet another group of very unique people who could not care less about the opinions of others. The group I joined gathered in a public park every Sunday and sometimes walked or bussed home in their “garb” or costumes. At first I was somewhat reluctant to fully engage in a sport which, at its basic level, is all about running around beating on each other with pool-noodle swords. I loved it though and gradually came to be a fully fledged member.

The third layer was cosplay and geek conventions. Similar to LARPing, cosplaying is dressing up in sometimes very strange and gender-reversing costumes, in public. The key to all three of these, I think, was the fact that you are in a group. Riding a bus in a costume, alone, still requires some courage on my part.

The key was years of exposure therapy and the comeraderie of people who were having the time of their lives. This has allowed me to implement many unusual things in my life that have greatly contributed to my happiness. My hair is a great example. I got some looks the first time I cut my hair an inch short, however the fact that I can spend 30 seconds on it per day and still look exactly the way I want to look is basically a miracle.

All of that being said, those close to me still have the ability to effect me with their opinions. I am not an island ‘gainst whom no entreaties may change. I am lucky enough to have an intimate circle comprised of those who truly want what is best for me and recognize that I am the best judge of that. I genuinely have no idea what I would be able to do if someone I loved was dead set against a decision I felt I needed to make.

To anyone searching for how to care less about the opinions of others, my advice is simple: act in a play, cosplay at a con, and join your nearest LARP group.

The Needs of the Many

Lately, whenever I hear about any tragedy, in which human choice played a part, I always experience two distinct things. First, naturally, I feel sadness for the suffering of the victims, their families, and humanity at large for the blow we all must suffer when basic human rights are violated. The second thing I feel is curiosity: what did that individual need, that they were not getting, that caused them to make this choice?

Every living thing on this planet has needs. Humans often confuse needs with wants, and therein lies part of the problem. I differentiate them by duration. In my experience, of myself, a want will fade with time and a need will remain, or even increase, with neglect. When a human’s needs are not met, they go about trying to get them met, sometimes in destructive ways.

What wrongs were perpetrated in the past that contributed to violence in the present? What word or deed could have healed a hurt that caused blood to be spilled? Who first taught the lesson of hate that, snowball-like, gained momentum and power, eventually destroying many lives?

Needs left unmet can cause harm on a much smaller scale. Sleep deprivation can cause a new mother to snap at a salesperson. Low blood sugar can cause a customer to be impatient with a waitress. We are all, of course, always responsible for our choices, but we are also affected by our needs.

Self care, as I have said in the past, can seem selfish. Considered in this light, however, it may be seen as an act of charity and kindness to the world at large. When we take care of ourselves, our needs, we have more opportunity to treat the other people in our sphere of influence well.

What need of yours could you meet to benefit humanity?

YetiCon 2016

This past weekend I spent several fun-filled hours at YetiCon, up near Collingwood, at Blue Mountain. My very high expectations were in no way disappointed. This con did everything right, in my opinion. I'm sure even Thor Odinson was impressed.

Some highlights for me include the gift of a watergun I was given for registering early, the frankly adorable mascot, the stellar location, the opportunities to avail ourselves of some of the top-quality activities at Blue Mountain, the friendly, informed, open, and just plain awesome staff. Also, this fantastic Fem!Bucky whose hair game was rocking my world.

I also got to spend time with some awesome con pals. The above shot is of Castiel (left) and Gabriel (right) from Supernatural. I made both sets of wings. It was intensely gratifying to be able to cosplay with my dear friend after so much time searching for exactly the right coat.

On Sunday I got to try out a new closet cosplay. Pictured here alongside colonial Jack Frost, I managed to pull off early Daredevil, before he gets his cool suit.

I also hosted another panel. Thanks to everyone who came out and made it (hopefully) a good experience for all involved.

The only monkey wrench in the weekend was the fact that my rear right tire went mysteriously flat during Friday night. However, with the help of one of my hotel roomies, I was able to change it for the spare. Definitely leveled up in adult-ness.

ADHD and the Smartwatch

This past week I purchased a Pebble Time smartwatch for use in my business. It allows me to be notified of emails quickly so I can respond in a timely manner and have instant access to my schedule. These are the features that drew me to my first experience of wearable technology. However the more I've used it the more it is showing itself to be one of the most useful things for my ADHD I've encountered in quite a while.

There are people who look askance at anyone who uses and relies on technology heavily. Especially a young person, fearing, I assume, that it is harmful to them. Certainly modern technology has had negative impacts on people, most notably to me the disconnection instant access has caused first world societies, socially.

However, it doesn't behoove anyone to dismiss or judge how others live their lives.

While in my ADDCA coach training, the co-founder, David Giwerc, extolled the uses dictation software had and the freedom it allowed him in writing his book Permission to Proceed. He finds typing very difficult and tedious and were it not for this software, he told me and my classmates, the book would not have been written.

Similarly the reminder app Alarmed allows me to run my life and business smoothly where otherwise I would need a full-time personal assistant and/or maid. That being said, should the zombie horde rise up, my life will instantly fall to pieces. But then again, not many people need to check their email during the apocalypse so perhaps everything will even out in the end.

Another feature of the Pebble Time is the sleep and step tracking. For the first time in my life I know how far I walk in a day (and have extra encouragement to increase that distance) and how much sleep and deep sleep I get each night. Exercise and sleep are two cornerstones of ADHD management and studies have even shown that, in some cases, exercise can replace ADHD medication, without the side effects.

I've also tried the Pomodoro technique for the first time as a result of a Pebble Time app.

The absolute best ADHD management benefit though, in my opinion, is the streamlined nature of my focus. When a notification goes off on my phone, I'm tempted to open it, play a game, check Facebook, and so on. Even if I simply check email, I waste time. When a notification comes in on the watch, I can screen the importance, and avoid the temptation and distractions.

As with so many things, the key to making technology work for you is balance.