11 Questions That Changed My Life

Marilee Adams, Ph.D. is a leading expert on Question Thinking. Before I was introduced to her, and the power of questions at ADDCA, I had never considered how impactful the humble question could be. The style of coaching I was taught is powered by questions in the same way cars are powered by gasoline. I cannot imagine movement without it.

There are some questions that have impacted me positively more than others. The thoughts, revelations, and actions that sprang from them helped shape who I am today and assisted me in accomplishing everything I've achieved.

#1: “What is this emotion trying to tell me?”

I have learned that emotions can be viewed as messengers. They come to us to indicate something is seeking our attention. I always resolve issues faster when I ask myself this question.

#2: “When do I feel most at peace?”

This question is relatively new to me. It challenges my assumptions about what others say is needed for peace, because it is an intensely personal concept. I discovered the answer, right now, is “when I am most productive”. This has assisted me in motivating myself to do things that aren't fun for me.

#3: “What do I need?”

One of the more complex but vital questions I've ever been posed. Luckily I am almost always able to answer it, when I pause to ask.

#4: “What can I do without?”

Speaking of things that aren't fun. Answering this question, or rather discovering the answer when I continually make the choice to pursue running my own business instead of applying for a ‘real job’, has been one of the most challenging things I've ever done. That and truly coming to terms with the answers.

#5: “What is my definition of the difference between want and need?”

The vital word here is ‘my’, just like #2. It doesn't matter what others think. How do I define want and need? I've written blog after blog, chasing my answer.

#6: “Why am I doing this?”

Although ‘why’ can be interpreted as accusatory, I find it helpful. When I ask myself this question, I can examine where my energy is best spent. This is of importance to me especially because ADHD struggles with efficiency.

#7: “What can I put up with?”

Similar to #4, this question empowered me to choose, rather than play the victim in difficult situations, it continues to help me face the choices I have, who to spend my time with, and what qualities I value and which harm me.

#8: “What do I require in someone I invest time in?”

Also on the same theme as #4 and #7, the idea that I could define what I required in any type of relationship came as a complete revelation to me. Even now it seems selfish, almost like I should be “grateful” for any social interaction. However, it has empowered me to enact boundaries and seek out healthy relationships.

#9: “What is the most important quality in a partner, for me?”

Again, this question centers around my opinion being of utmost importance, as it pertains to my life. Others say gifts of flowers, chocolates, and jewelry are important, and for a time that opinion clouded my view. Now I've examined what truly is most important to me. Flowers didn't make the cut.

#10: “What is and is not important to me?”

This is another concept I had a relatively easy time answering, once I paused to ask it, and it's empowered me to be loyal to the true answers.

#11: “Why do others deserve kindness and not you?”

This question came from a dear friend and hit me like a ton of bricks. I still have no satisfactory answer, mostly because there is none, but the awareness I’ve gained has been invaluable to me.

When we ask questions, we can open a door to knowledge. Truth sets me free to build the life I need.

What questions have changed your life?

The Need in the Want

In the ongoing Great Debate about needs versus wants, I've seen heavy emphasis put on the ‘need’ side. This is logical as needs are of vital importance to human beings in order to exist and exist happily. However, what information might be gained if we turned our attention to the wants?

I've developed a technique for myself that was originally designed to help me feel less wistful whenever I saw something I wanted. The idea is to write down the thing I want (for example let’s use a houseboat). Then I write down the need behind the want (in this case it was fewer possessions and the ability to store and manage them all easily). Last, I write down how I could meet the need with the abilities I have (I have the ability to give things away and work to manage my storage more efficiently). The by-product of all this was uncovering the need in the want.

This concept and technique gives the power back to me, similarly to my blog about active choosing. When I've identified how I can accomplish what I really want/need, I no longer have any feelings or judgements about anything external. If I want better storage so much, I need to go ahead and make that happen! It's no one’s responsibility but mine to create what I need.

What needs might be lurking in your wants?

The Needs of the Many

Lately, whenever I hear about any tragedy, in which human choice played a part, I always experience two distinct things. First, naturally, I feel sadness for the suffering of the victims, their families, and humanity at large for the blow we all must suffer when basic human rights are violated. The second thing I feel is curiosity: what did that individual need, that they were not getting, that caused them to make this choice?

Every living thing on this planet has needs. Humans often confuse needs with wants, and therein lies part of the problem. I differentiate them by duration. In my experience, of myself, a want will fade with time and a need will remain, or even increase, with neglect. When a human’s needs are not met, they go about trying to get them met, sometimes in destructive ways.

What wrongs were perpetrated in the past that contributed to violence in the present? What word or deed could have healed a hurt that caused blood to be spilled? Who first taught the lesson of hate that, snowball-like, gained momentum and power, eventually destroying many lives?

Needs left unmet can cause harm on a much smaller scale. Sleep deprivation can cause a new mother to snap at a salesperson. Low blood sugar can cause a customer to be impatient with a waitress. We are all, of course, always responsible for our choices, but we are also affected by our needs.

Self care, as I have said in the past, can seem selfish. Considered in this light, however, it may be seen as an act of charity and kindness to the world at large. When we take care of ourselves, our needs, we have more opportunity to treat the other people in our sphere of influence well.

What need of yours could you meet to benefit humanity?