Harnessing the Shiny

When I was first diagnosed with ADHD one of the things that struck me most forcefully was the concept of choosing new and “shiny” projects. I'd always felt this was something of a character flaw of mine, that if I has real persistence, I'd be able to work on anything, happily. The truth, that the neurochemical dopamine is necessary for anyone to maintain concentration, and it is a challenge to produce or maintain in the ADHD brain, has been something of a comfort and an explanation for me.

The downside being that I was now aware that jumping into a new “shiny” project at the expense of an old, boring one, was sometimes detrimental to me. So, naturally, because I have a very hard time with the cognitive distortion “Black and White thinking”, I decided that this was completely a bad thing. Whenever I decide to go to extremes, the results are never very favourable.

I was talking to a friend a few months ago and we realized we both do this. We decide that because something is fun, we must avoid it in favour of “real work”. Unfortunately the topic at hand was cleaning, which is a very necessary thing!

The trick, as with so many, many things, is to create balance. It doesn't help to continually jump at new things, perpetually abandoning the older, important work. Neither does it do to ignore the treasure-trove of dopamine that comes with jumping at the new project. When something catches our interest, the ADHD brain is able to produce a lot of dopamine, which allows us not only to work at a task, but allows us to work remarkably fast and long. So if we pause, figure out if it is currently appropriate to dive into this new thing, and go ahead if the answer is ‘yes’, time might be saved because of how quickly the work goes.

Another thing I like to do is if that isn't currently possible, just do a small amount of prep or research. This allows me to use the resulting dopamine on my other, more boring project. It also allows me to eliminate projects that just seemed good at the time but those I never go back to after the first initial rush of excitement.

Balance. It is difficult for anyone to attain. With ADHD it is even harder. The longer I strive for it, the more strategies I create and discover. Each time I discover a new strategy, I realize anew that ADHD is truly one of the most treatable of disorders. Everything seems so obvious once explained.

What projects excite you?

The Cost of Maturity

Ever since I first started fully embracing my geek way of life I began noticing a difference in the way we do and view things versus how some others do. One of the most pervasive differences I saw wasn't something I was able to easily put into words. It was fundamental, I knew that. I also felt that helped create my happiness and I saw it causing others pain. Still, I struggled to define it.

Then Pokémon GO was released and I finally realized what it was: maturity. A lot of the world has this strange obsession with being mature, responsible, and taking things seriously. Humour, levity, silliness are all very well, so say some, but under very strictly defined rules and guidelines for appropriateness. Making a joke or appearing “immature” at the wrong time or in the wrong place is frowned on.

This is not to say that I want to treat everything in my life as a joke, nor do I think that respecting others’ wishes about conduct is unimportant. Just because I like to play Pokémon GO does not mean I'd intentionally break a social contract to knowingly cause someone else discomfort.

That being said, who exactly is being hurt by me playing the game, or cosplaying, or watching cartoons, or acting silly, on my time, in my own space? Someone once told me my day is made too easily. I'm sure they didn't mean that as a compliment, but that's how I choose to take it. If I still take the same innocent joy in a bird or a cloud or a bad pun as I did when I was 5 years old, then that may very well be a definition of success I am satisfied with.

There is also, of course, a need in many lives for professionalism. I would not get many clients for my coaching services if I emailed them as a five-year-old. This kind of gravity is necessary for gaining the trust of someone who wishes to engage you in any kind of professional capacity. I will always maintain, however, that I would far rather work with someone who, after the initial contact and trust is gained, ends an email with a smiley rather than “sincerely”.

I don't think I'd want to force everyone in the world to begin taking things less seriously and be silly. That would be just as wrong as their judgement of me for my games and puns. However, I do wonder at the cost of such a lifestyle and thought process.

What does maturity look like to you?

A Relationship with Oneself

The word “relationship” has come to mean romantic connections in our culture, generally speaking. We do, however, have many other types of relationships. Family, friends, colleagues, classmates, all different, all varied in their management.

There is one relationship type that I fear we forget, and, if we do remember, neglect. That is the relationship with yourself. Olivia Penpraze said “Remember yourself as a little girl, she is counting on you to protect her.” How many of us give thought or effort to this protection and care?

Many people have “best friends”, people they confide in, rely on for advice, and in whom they have implicit trust. We treat our best friends very well and with a great deal of kindness. We encourage them, help them see their strengths and not dwell on their weaknesses. What contrast might we find if we compare our compassion toward that beloved person and toward ourselves?

An important element in any kind of relationship is trust. Anyone with ADHD can tell you it's very difficult to trust yourself when you are constantly doing things you know aren't helpful or even things you are unable to explain. So how can there be trust in that relationship?

Rewards are another stumbling block. If we promise ourselves a reward for some task and don't deliver it right away, or worse don't deliver it at all, the promise of reward ceases to be at all effective because there is no trust.

It takes time, but it is possible to regain this trust in ourselves. I believe the shape of what will garner this trust will look different for every person. The basic idea to regain trust is to promise something and then, no matter what happens, deliver it. At first, of course, the distrust will remain. Over time, however, the brain can learn that change is, in fact, occurring. What we promise does come to pass.

I wrote a blog post about motivating myself with a movie. The update on that experiment is that I entirely failed to reward myself with the movie. I lost faith in myself through that. This would not have happened if I had watched the movie. It seems a small price to pay.

Nothing is perfect, obviously, and of course sometimes life will prevent us from following through on things. The idea is to be as consistent as possible, and not give into the inner-nay-sayer and decide, after the fact, that we don't actually deserve that reward after all.

How is your relationship with yourself?

Why I Gave Up Advice

Any time we have a problem there are always scads of people lining up to give us advice on how to solve it. Even if we didn't ask, even if we don't even really agree we have a problem, even if we are really quite happy, thank you very much, and really do not understand what the supposed problem is. Nevertheless, there is no shortage of advice.

When I went through ADHD coach training, I came to realize just how useless this practice really is. I know from personal experience that this unsolicited advice can range from mildly irritating to downright harmful, in certain instances.

I believe one reason it is so pointless is that any one of us cannot possibly fully grasp the experience of another. However well we know that other person, there is no way we can completely know what is in their head and heart. Therefore, any solution we come up with for their problem has a random chance of being useful because it came out of our own experience, not theirs.

In coaching, I strive to assist in clarifying, as fully as possible, all the facets and features of any given challenge. This can allow the person facing the challenge to create their own solution, making it as unique as they are. And this solution is almost always far more effective than any suggestion of anyone else’s (even mine) because it originated in the person who truly knows best.

An exception, naturally, is the topic of ADHD and its various symptoms. When it comes to working with our ADHD, a lot of us feel helpless and struggling in vain to find anything that will work. In these instances seeking the advice of a book on ADHD, a resource website such as TotallyADD.com, or a trained ADHD coach can be very valuable. However even these proffered strategies will increase in value once they are tailored and tweaked to fit the unique ADHD life.

So this is why I decided I would cease giving unsolicited advice, to anyone, not just my clients. I was wasting my breath and possibly annoying the person I intended to help.

And then a very unexpected thing happened. As soon as I made this promise to myself, friends and family started asking for my advice on specific topics. It was like the universe was having a great chuckle at my expense. And what can you really do at that point? So I laughed along.

One person asked me how I personally handle a specific situation, and I said “Do you mean in a practical sense or an emotional sense?” They told me that question was far more valuable than any of the advice that followed because it helped them explore their own conundrum further. Also the question beginning “How do you handle...” is particularly good for advice because it allows the other to simply consider and learn without there being any implication that it will definitely be helpful or relevant.

Then of course there are those verbal processors. What we need more than anything when facing a challenge is the time to get our thoughts from inside our brains, out our mouths, and to the world. Matt Smith’s Doctor Who once said “I don't know what the plan is yet; I haven't stopped talking.”

What advice do you give?