Tetris Life

I've been playing Tetris a lot lately. It's a simple game concept that activates the logic parts of my brain. This is a great relief as I spend 90% of my life in emotion and it can be exhausting at times.

During a recent game, a thought occurred to me. Any time I begin to panic and try to force pieces into spaces they are ill suited for, disaster almost invariably follows. Open spaces pile up faster, causing my panic to surge, and soon I've lost.

The opposite is also true. When I approach the game calmly, and take the time to look for and find the best possible place for the piece, even if it doesn't solve the most pressing “problem” space, I get much further in the game.

There is also an element of trust involved. The times I get furthest in the game are when I relinquish the panic, and simply trust the piece I need will arrive long before I lose. It always does, unless I surrender to panic and try to force things.

In a way I can't support with science, I feel this is a metaphor for life. When I try and force things that don't fit well, I don't get far. When I relax, trusting that what I need will appear, and that I will be able to recognize and use it when it does, it often does happens.

I've found I sometimes need to wait much, much longer than is comfortable or than I ever planned. However, forcing something that isn't right has never resulted in happiness for me.

This does not mean there is no work involved. It takes a tremendous amount of energy, for me, to wait, to look for, and fit things in where they really work.

This metaphor also applies to coaching. My teleclass leaders all say the best work is done when the coach relaxes, lets go of the outcome, and trusts the process of coaching. When I do this, it feels just like play, and my client and I are on an exciting adventure together.

Though a simple game, a simple concept, it is by no means easy, particularly when the pieces, and life, come at us faster and faster. The choice, however, is always ours to make.*

What could you accomplish, if you relaxed?

*Footnote: Mental illnesses, such as anxiety, are the result of chemical imbalances in the brain and are no more in the control of the sufferer than a broken limb. Choice can only be achieved when brain chemistry is brought back into health and balance.

A Relationship with Oneself

The word “relationship” has come to mean romantic connections in our culture, generally speaking. We do, however, have many other types of relationships. Family, friends, colleagues, classmates, all different, all varied in their management.

There is one relationship type that I fear we forget, and, if we do remember, neglect. That is the relationship with yourself. Olivia Penpraze said “Remember yourself as a little girl, she is counting on you to protect her.” How many of us give thought or effort to this protection and care?

Many people have “best friends”, people they confide in, rely on for advice, and in whom they have implicit trust. We treat our best friends very well and with a great deal of kindness. We encourage them, help them see their strengths and not dwell on their weaknesses. What contrast might we find if we compare our compassion toward that beloved person and toward ourselves?

An important element in any kind of relationship is trust. Anyone with ADHD can tell you it's very difficult to trust yourself when you are constantly doing things you know aren't helpful or even things you are unable to explain. So how can there be trust in that relationship?

Rewards are another stumbling block. If we promise ourselves a reward for some task and don't deliver it right away, or worse don't deliver it at all, the promise of reward ceases to be at all effective because there is no trust.

It takes time, but it is possible to regain this trust in ourselves. I believe the shape of what will garner this trust will look different for every person. The basic idea to regain trust is to promise something and then, no matter what happens, deliver it. At first, of course, the distrust will remain. Over time, however, the brain can learn that change is, in fact, occurring. What we promise does come to pass.

I wrote a blog post about motivating myself with a movie. The update on that experiment is that I entirely failed to reward myself with the movie. I lost faith in myself through that. This would not have happened if I had watched the movie. It seems a small price to pay.

Nothing is perfect, obviously, and of course sometimes life will prevent us from following through on things. The idea is to be as consistent as possible, and not give into the inner-nay-sayer and decide, after the fact, that we don't actually deserve that reward after all.

How is your relationship with yourself?

Gratitude for Discomfort

I have been incredibly lucky in my life. I am surrounded by very smart, kind, caring people, all of whom want to see me succeed and rejoice in my achievements, just as I rejoice in theirs. From birth I have received support and assistance that allowed me to live the way I chose, in the manner that best fit me.

I was spared some experiences that most ADHD individuals struggle with and suffer throughout their lives, before becoming diagnosed and treated. As a result however, at times I have doubted my diagnosis because I see those struggles in the lives of others and not in my own.

Recently, however, I was lucky enough to have experiences that proved to me that, in fact, my diagnosis is correct. I struggled with tasks that most people find simple and easy. The experiences ranged from uncomfortable to downright painful. I don't believe many people would understand crying over a business plan. People with ADHD would.

In the moment of suffering, it's hard to discover any kernel of truth or knowledge among the pain. Thinking back on it, however, I have realized how valuable these experiences have been. If I barely survived a 5 1/2 hour workshop by knitting throughout (it would take about 6 more workshops to finish my sweater) what must people like me have gone through in school 5 days a week for 12 years?

Empathy is a very powerful tool for connecting to people and gaining their trust, two essential skills for a coach. I have gained real-world knowledge that adds to my ability to empathize. For that I am grateful.

I wonder what other uncomfortable events and experiences could reveal knowledge and learning, if only I looked?