11 Questions That Changed My Life

Marilee Adams, Ph.D. is a leading expert on Question Thinking. Before I was introduced to her, and the power of questions at ADDCA, I had never considered how impactful the humble question could be. The style of coaching I was taught is powered by questions in the same way cars are powered by gasoline. I cannot imagine movement without it.

There are some questions that have impacted me positively more than others. The thoughts, revelations, and actions that sprang from them helped shape who I am today and assisted me in accomplishing everything I've achieved.

#1: “What is this emotion trying to tell me?”

I have learned that emotions can be viewed as messengers. They come to us to indicate something is seeking our attention. I always resolve issues faster when I ask myself this question.

#2: “When do I feel most at peace?”

This question is relatively new to me. It challenges my assumptions about what others say is needed for peace, because it is an intensely personal concept. I discovered the answer, right now, is “when I am most productive”. This has assisted me in motivating myself to do things that aren't fun for me.

#3: “What do I need?”

One of the more complex but vital questions I've ever been posed. Luckily I am almost always able to answer it, when I pause to ask.

#4: “What can I do without?”

Speaking of things that aren't fun. Answering this question, or rather discovering the answer when I continually make the choice to pursue running my own business instead of applying for a ‘real job’, has been one of the most challenging things I've ever done. That and truly coming to terms with the answers.

#5: “What is my definition of the difference between want and need?”

The vital word here is ‘my’, just like #2. It doesn't matter what others think. How do I define want and need? I've written blog after blog, chasing my answer.

#6: “Why am I doing this?”

Although ‘why’ can be interpreted as accusatory, I find it helpful. When I ask myself this question, I can examine where my energy is best spent. This is of importance to me especially because ADHD struggles with efficiency.

#7: “What can I put up with?”

Similar to #4, this question empowered me to choose, rather than play the victim in difficult situations, it continues to help me face the choices I have, who to spend my time with, and what qualities I value and which harm me.

#8: “What do I require in someone I invest time in?”

Also on the same theme as #4 and #7, the idea that I could define what I required in any type of relationship came as a complete revelation to me. Even now it seems selfish, almost like I should be “grateful” for any social interaction. However, it has empowered me to enact boundaries and seek out healthy relationships.

#9: “What is the most important quality in a partner, for me?”

Again, this question centers around my opinion being of utmost importance, as it pertains to my life. Others say gifts of flowers, chocolates, and jewelry are important, and for a time that opinion clouded my view. Now I've examined what truly is most important to me. Flowers didn't make the cut.

#10: “What is and is not important to me?”

This is another concept I had a relatively easy time answering, once I paused to ask it, and it's empowered me to be loyal to the true answers.

#11: “Why do others deserve kindness and not you?”

This question came from a dear friend and hit me like a ton of bricks. I still have no satisfactory answer, mostly because there is none, but the awareness I’ve gained has been invaluable to me.

When we ask questions, we can open a door to knowledge. Truth sets me free to build the life I need.

What questions have changed your life?

The Need in the Want

In the ongoing Great Debate about needs versus wants, I've seen heavy emphasis put on the ‘need’ side. This is logical as needs are of vital importance to human beings in order to exist and exist happily. However, what information might be gained if we turned our attention to the wants?

I've developed a technique for myself that was originally designed to help me feel less wistful whenever I saw something I wanted. The idea is to write down the thing I want (for example let’s use a houseboat). Then I write down the need behind the want (in this case it was fewer possessions and the ability to store and manage them all easily). Last, I write down how I could meet the need with the abilities I have (I have the ability to give things away and work to manage my storage more efficiently). The by-product of all this was uncovering the need in the want.

This concept and technique gives the power back to me, similarly to my blog about active choosing. When I've identified how I can accomplish what I really want/need, I no longer have any feelings or judgements about anything external. If I want better storage so much, I need to go ahead and make that happen! It's no one’s responsibility but mine to create what I need.

What needs might be lurking in your wants?

The Choice is Yours

The Twelfth Doctor of popular UK television show Doctor Who, played by Peter Capaldi, once said “Sometimes the only choices you have are bad ones. But you still have to choose.” This is an incredibly powerful statement, in its truth and in its connotations. There is also great power in the act of choosing.

There have been times in my life, as in every life, when I was faced with exactly this kind of choice. Where, as far as I saw at the time, and with the abilities I had then, I was limited to “bad choices”. Everything seemed to have a negative outcome, so it came down to figuring out which one resulted in the lesser amount.

It was only once I began to be aware of and utilise a certain mindset that I became able to really deal with and accept those situations and their outcomes. That mindset is about the act of choosing. Recognising that we do always have choices, that they sometimes just suck, and yet still moving forward.

Other options include refusing to choose, playing the victim of circumstance, wallowing in self pity, and blaming others. I've probably defaulted to every one of these options in the past and I do not recommend them. None of them set out a clear or short path out of the negative circumstances because they all involve delay in accepting the truth.

When we look clearly and honestly at all our options, weigh them, then take responsibility for the one we put into action, then we are closer to accepting the consequences. We know we chose the best option, even out of a detrimental selection, and it was our choice to enact it. We weren't forced. The power is 100% with us. The consequences will happen anyway, at least this way we are in charge and have the power.

What choice could you make that would empower you?

ADHD During the Holidays

Whenever I attend an ADHD support group meeting during the holidays, I know with grim certainty what I'm going to hear. Even just thinking about it, my heart sinks and I wish I had a magic wand to prevent the pain I know will be occurring.

Life is difficult enough for people with ADHD, and the holiday season, while delightfully enjoyable to some, brings fresh challenges that complicate things more. Organisational, financial, physical health problems, and emotional wounds reopened are just some of the things that cause us to feel, at best, overwhelmed, and at worst a deep sense of dread.

Tom Magliozzi famously said “Happiness equals reality minus expectations.” This is often true around the holidays when shining childhood memories or visions from the silver screen inflate what we expect from the season.

So how do we deal with all these pitfalls? My method is awareness and proactivity.

My family and I utilise a strategy which encompasses both these principles. At the beginning of the holiday season, we sit down and plan the events and activities that truly “make Christmas” for us. When I was younger it was important to find out if I wanted the Christmas tree put up before or after my birthday.

I also do this privately. I examine my expectations around the holidays and take steps to fulfil my own desires. I plan time for every little thing I want to happen, because I know it won't come to pass otherwise.

Not all our desires are technically in our control to meet, however. We may expect others to provide certain things for us. This of course is not in our control, unless we state openly and categorically what it is we want given to us, for example. I've used this technique with my ADHD family before. I traded surprise for more confidence in the usefulness of my presents.

What about when requesting isn't possible? In cases like this, the only remedy for me is awareness. Only when I acknowledge what is and is not likely to happen can I let go and enjoy what will be.

Awareness can also assist with those people we see over the holidays who may not “get it” when it comes to us and our ADHD. The challenges I share with my fellow ADHD brains simply make no sense to many neurotypical people, and I need to be ok with that.

And, as much as it chills me to contemplate, I may need to engage in... Small talk. Even the words make me shudder. Small talk is one of those things that people with ADHD consistently report loathing. However, awareness of this unfortunate reality allows me to gear up and prepare ahead of time, instead of unconsciously expecting something else that will inevitably be disappointed.

It's taken me 25 years to learn that my expectations can only be met by me. This seems like a very long time. However, it is half the time it has taken others, thanks to the increased awareness and education about ADHD. It has also enabled me to strive to empower others to take control of their happiness through their expectations. That is something I am grateful for.

What does the holiday season look like to you?

Routine Versus Spontaneity

The words “routine” and “spontaneity” seem to be antonyms. What could be more opposite than “a sequence of actions regularly followed” and “a sudden inner impulse without premeditation”? To me, however, they are not as dissimilar as they first appear.

I have already written about the role routine plays in my life and the benefits I, and others with ADHD, gain when utilising it. Another benefit is that of freeing me to live in the moment. My routines are the foundation on which I build my life. The “sequence of actions” that make up my routines all contribute in some small but fundamental way to me being able to function, whether at all or optimally. If my bed isn’t made, my dishes washed, my clothes clean and put away, I would not be able to act on any “inner impulse”.

This paradox can be likened to a building. It’s a lot more fun to pick out curtains and paint the trim than it is to plan the basement and hammer together the studs and joists for the walls and floors. However, curtains and trim in the middle of an empty lot gets cold and wet, eventually, and does not allow anyone to have much fun.

Balance, as I’ve said again and again, seems to be the key. Routine allows for spontaneity but neither in isolation create joy. This is the careful union of forces I will continue to strive to achieve.

What allows you to create spontaneous joy?

An Exploration of Need Versus Want

People often say “I need this” and that is perfectly valid. Every human being has many needs. Those needs may be difficult to define, articulate, and get met, but they exist.

Do we ever stop to question what it is we need those things to do? This is why another way I define the concept of “need”, as opposed to want, is the word “required”. In order to ski, a strong argument can be made that a person needs skis. They may want expensive skis, they may have an easier time skiing with a certain type of ski, and they may not even want to ski at all, but they definitely need skis in order to ski.

So when we say “I need this”, I would want to examine that. The examination might allow us to determine if that desire is a need or a want.

I often say “I need sleep”. That's a vague idea. What I really mean is “I need to have high quality sleep, for approximately nine hours, beginning at 10PM in order to be most productive in life.” So, logically, if I wasn't aiming to be productive, I wouldn't have this need. This need is in aid of productivity. I want to be productive because I need to financially support myself. For that goal I need to be productive enough to sustain the amount of work that allows for a supporting income.

I believe this is a lot of what coaches do. They look for the wheat germ of the goals and needs and assist in separating it from the chaff of everything else in life. In order to help determine what is a need versus a want, it can help to first know what it is you need that thing to accomplish.

What do you need?

What Intellect is Not

I recently had a dear friend say to me “I'm continually amazed that anyone is able to communicate at all. Every word is a translation because of the specific and unique meaning we have for them.” I completely agree. Someone’s use of any given word can confuse or even insult depending on their personal meaning.

Not even a dictionary is any help with this issue. English is a continuously shifting and changing thing. It is usage altered every day; a moving target.

A word I find extremely frustrating in this regard is “intelligence” and its synonyms. This word has so many widespread incorrect meanings and usage that it may one day actually change to mean them. Then we’ll have to come up with another word.

A lot of people with ADHD are told they are stupid. This is for all sorts of reasons, one being a commonly held misconception about intelligence: that intellectual capacity is either synonymous with or at least always accompanied by an excellent memory. If someone has a poor memory, so says common wisdom, they cannot possibly be smart.

This is clearly not the case. Having a good memory does not mean the person has the ability to utilize the information retained and having poor recall does not preclude it.

It is related to the erroneous idea that a large vocabulary is an indicator of intelligence. I've heard it said that a person needs complex language in order to express complex ideas. That assumes that if someone is intelligent they are able to articulate it. How often has someone had an idea they simply lacked the language to express? Even with a large and complex vocabulary. That does not mean the intelligence is less, it simply means others cannot experience it.

Another frustrating phenomenon of mistaken intelligence was personified in an ad for theSkimm.com, a newsletter that sends the latest world headlines to your email every morning. Their tagline “TheSkimm makes it easier to be smarter.” while pithy, is almost entirely incorrect. Being informed or aware of current events does not make you smart. I'd even argue the opposite. If someone had a gift for a specific topic or area, are they best served spreading their energy and time across a wide area? I don't think they are.

When theSkimm.com invited me to sign up for their newsletter, the decline button was labeled “No thanks, I prefer to be miserable in the morning.” I guess they've never heard of a news holiday and don't know that if I subscribed to them that would in fact be what would make me miserable in the morning.

All of this does not even begin to touch on the different kinds of intelligence. Social, emotional, mechanical, academic, and others that simply do not have labels yet.

I hope we can begin to look for, celebrate, and utilize the intellect in our fellow humans. We as a species need all the smarts we can get.

The Paradox of Change

It is relatively easy for humans to maintain the status quo. We like things to remain the same. There's even a section about that in the fundamental level of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Human beings need a certain amount of homeostasis. Even ADHD brains who are essentially hardwired to love change.

It occurred to me recently that the reason or catalyst for positive change is a bit of a paradox. It’s very rare and difficult to force somebody to change, particularly if they aren't aware of or won't acknowledge there's a problem. However, without others to reflect things to us, lots of us would have no knowledge of anything amiss. Like the frog in the pot. The bubbles are rising all around us, but because it happened so gradually, we fail to notice.

On the other hand, it is incredibly difficult and unlikely that anyone will change, even if they are aware of the problem, without the help of any other person. Support of loved ones is often a crucial piece of change for the better. And yet, if others supporting us is the only piece, and we lack motivation, awareness, opportunity, and intent, then change is very unlikely to occur.

Human beings sure are funny, aren't we? And the above paradox doesn't even begin to touch on the conundrum of what even constitutes a problem! One person’s pig sty is another person’s immaculate palace. Though to me, the real yardstick is functionality. Is the person in question doing what they want and need to do? And the answer to that is incredibly complex.

What did it take for you to change?

6 Challenges of the Changing Seasons for ADHD (and 3 Steps to Overcome Them)

When it comes to the ways that ADHD affects people’s lives, there are so many parts missing from public knowledge. One of the ways not widely known has to do with changing seasons, particularly when temperatures change and when we move from leisure to work. With the fall comes a plethora of stumbling blocks. Of course many of these are more extreme the further north you go, but any change can throw our unique brain wiring for a loop.

1. Change in Routine

Moving from summer vacation or a summer job back to school, or from a relaxed routine to a more inflexible one can cause overwhelm for anyone. For ADHD, of course, it can be devastating. We are so resistant and resentful of routine and structure that the demands of a new season can impact us hugely.

2. Different Clothing

Where are the hats and coats? Do your boots still fit? Why is this sweater so itchy? From the practical challenge of finding and organizing the clothing needed for cooler weather to the issues of sensory sensitivity, fall can be rife with pitfalls to do with all those extra layers. To say nothing of the extra time it takes to dress, exponentially increased with more and younger children.

3. Sickness

To make matters worse, sickness of varying degrees and types increase when the weather gets cooler. This is just one more thing on our minds, whether trying to avoid catching something or having to perform regular (and already challenging) daily tasks while not feeling well.

4. Light Levels

Depending on where you are on the planet, changing seasons can cause light levels to change at different times. Here in northern North America we are having our sunlight decrease. That, in addition to cloudy days and more clothing, decreases our exposure to the sun and vitamin D. This can cause or exacerbate all kinds of problems.

5. Sitting Around Inside

When temperatures drop it becomes harder to get the exercise that can help everyone and ADHD in particular. All the challenges I’ve already mentioned can contribute to this.

6. Gearing Up for Holidays

In this last third of the calendar year we are faced with many holidays, depending on what we celebrate. Remembering what is needed for each event or even remembering what days affect businesses, if we don’t celebrate them, can be incredibly challenging.

So what can we do in the face of all these things? Not every strategy will work for every person. That being said, I have found the following to be generally helpful principles.

Unable to find the artist for this gorgeous graphic of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.

Step 1: Back to Basics

Consider Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. When things get overwhelming or fall apart, start at the bottom of the pyramid (food, sleep, hydration) and work your way up. Nobody can perform tasks at their best if they are lacking basic human needs.

Step 2: Importance

When we are considering the demands of an ADHD life, something that stumps us time and again are decisions and prioritization. Not knowing what is top priority can sink us into a miasma of paralysis and despair. Find a way to prioritize the things needing to get done. Do whatever you need to in order to accomplish this. Use a friend as a body double and bounce ideas off them, talk to a counselor or a coach, use an app that works for you.

Step 3: Everything Else

Whatever is leftover from steps 1 and 2 that is still tripping you up, form into a question. For example, if the problem is a particularly picky eater in the family making mealtime stressful and time consuming, the question could be “How can I feed a picky eater nutritiously?” If you suspect the challenge is related to ADHD, try and include that somewhere in the question as solutions for ADHD challenges often look very different to those of different brain types. Google the question with a notebook handy and jot down any and all ideas and information pertinent to your situation. The idea is that nobody can tell you how to fix your problem because they cannot know all the details. So googling the problem and seeing how others handled it can help spark ideas that will help. Always try and keep an open mind. If the results run out of useful information, try rewording the question.

Remember: No one is alone. Every day there are people going through similar problems. By sharing our ideas we generate hope.

What unique challenges do you face as the seasons change?

I Tried to Unplug for One Day

Recently I’d had some great success with productivity in both business I am running and co-running. I even stayed up until midnight a few weeks ago in order to fulfill my hours quota, such was the motivation I’d found.

The plates I was spinning of Green Door Life Coaching and Ringcrafts were solid, no sign of wobble. Then, without me even noticing, my self care plate fell. Usually I notice at least the clatter as it hits the floor, but not this time. Then my sleep plate fell. And when that plate goes down it usually pulls almost all the others down with it.

So on October 1st, I started a 30 day self care challenge of my own creation. Each day I am tasked with an item of self care that will also hopefully set a trend. One early item was drink either a cup of green tea or a large glass of lemon water. Since then I’ve been fairly diligent in my habit of drinking at least one of these two hydrating items.

Then came the item ‘Unplug for a day’ and with it a philosophical conundrum. I scheduled the day on October 8th because the day it happened to land on was a day I needed technology for business purposes. When October 8th came however, I was excited and looking forward to the break from all things wired, but problems just kept cropping up.

The first was the fact that I am not able to take a complete break from tech because my clients need to be able to reach me. So I made that my first exception, for my smartwatch, email, and phone.

The second exception was my poor dopamine production as a result of my ADHD. I rely heavily on Netflix to give me the dopamine I need to have executive functions. So if I banned Netflix/DVDs/YouTube/Podcasts I would not be giving myself a refreshing break but actually dooming myself to a painful and boring lack of productivity on either work or leisure activities.

So I decided I would listen to music out loud, with no headphones to reduce the technological impact, and watch Netflix only with my husband. This was a great theory, but it assumed my husband would be available and we would be able to agree on what to watch. This was not the case so that rule too fell by the wayside.

The third issue was that of my routines. The items are housed in a list in my phone. Without that item of technology essential tasks would go undone. So I made an exception for that as well as all the items of work listed in the phone. Concession after concession.

At the end of October 8th, the only difference between my “unplugged” day and a regular day was all the extra work of trying to figure out how to function without technology. I did not feel refreshed, except for one thing: I actively sought out ways to produce dopamine without technology and ended up taking the time to engage with people.

There was a time when my use of technology was very harmful to me. The fact that taking technology away was harmful now tells me that I have finally reached a good balance. This is an amazing accomplishment for me.

The lessons I am drawing from this:

1: When you try and do things just because conventional wisdom says it’s beneficial, you are likely to be missing something.

2: Going to extremes isn’t helpful.

3: All of the above doesn’t mean stopping to smell the roses is bad.

How would you define ‘unplugging’?

16 Ways Technology Helps (Me)

The definition of ‘tech shaming’ as I understand it is “To make someone ashamed of using technology, especially smartphones, portable music devices, or tablets.” The fear behind this largely unintentional practice is, I can only surmise, that use of such technology will be detrimental to the lives of those using it. I believe the use of shame to change behavior isn’t a good way to build or maintain a healthy relationship with anyone. Even, or perhaps especially, a relationship with yourself.

Whenever this concept comes into my awareness and thoughts I always think of the many, many ways technology allows me to do things I wouldn’t otherwise be able to do. Here is a list of just some of them.

1. Reading

The first way that jumped to my mind is the app Overdrive. That app is nothing short of a miracle for me.

2. Drive safer

Once driving became commonplace for me, my brain began to feel bored by the task. As a result, my mind wanders in search of something to occupy it. This is of course hazardous when operating a 2,800 pound piece of metal. So on long drives I started listening to podcasts. The engagement is just enough to keep me from being bored, but not so complex that I lose focus on the road. I play them from my phone through the car’s sound system so my headphones don’t interfere with my driving awareness. I’m sure my life would have been in danger if not for Welcome to Nightvale or The Benchcast.

3. Remember important things

Of course I don’t need to mention it yet again, but my reminder app.

4. Maintain long-distance friendships

For a long while I didn’t have text messaging to the United States and so my only contact with my American friends was via iMessage. Sometimes friends who share our interests don’t share our citizenship. How much emptier my life would be without those people and the technology that allows their warmth into my life.

5. Make cleaning fun!

Other things my ADHD dislikes doing separately are socializing and cleaning. Handsfree phone accessories allows me to do both at once. I once cleaned the entire house between two calls to England.

6. Stay accountable

A very effective productivity strategy for ADHD is accountability with friends. Many times I have engaged in a mutual accountability agreement with a friend or classmate via a facebook group.

7. Organize family

Recently my mother came up with a stellar organizational trick. Instead of attempting to herd my family, all of whom have executive function challenges, into an organized event, she invites us all to a Google calendar event that is added automatically to our personal calendars for us to fit into our schedules. It’s fast, it’s easy, and best of all, it’s 100% nag-free. My mother is a brilliant woman.

8. Have executive function

I’ve mentioned before, at length, how useful my smartwatch is to me.

9. Maintain awareness

And then of course there’s Google Drive and Documents.

10. Fall asleep

My phone’s proprietary timer app has a setting where the tone is “stop playing” which turns off any audio after a set amount of time. The podcast app has a similar function. This allows me to drift off to sleep without having to reach over to turn off my phone. So. Incredibly. Useful.

11. Stay asleep

Another function of my phone is the ability to schedule times when all noise (except alarms) is silenced. I view this as a technological boundary. Nobody has to worry about waking me up by texting me because I’ve taken care of when I need to sleep.

12. Have fun and exercise at the same time

Zombies, Run! and Pokemon GO are both apps that have motivated me to include exercise in my life. The trick of both of them is the fun factor that is always a good way to motivate ADHD to do just about anything.

13. Remind my future self

Because ADHD often has memory problems, the statement “Oh, I’ll remember that.” is almost always fallacious. One way I combat this problem is texting and emailing myself information. Or sometimes I’ll ask someone else to do it, if my phone isn’t in reach, say, because I’m driving.

14. Study

When the business my husband and I run together purchased an iPad, its purpose was to be able to display custom chainmail pieces at shows. It became invaluable to me in my studies and coaching business. Of course the use of tablets in business and education isn't new, but before the purchase I could not have predicted how helpful it would end up being.

15. Explain the inexplicable

When my parents were assisting me with renovations, sometimes it was difficult to verbally explain what I pictured being built or altered. I created a structure in Minecraft that visually depicted the shelf I was imagining and it made instant sense to my father.

16. Coach

Most of the above has been for my personal life, but technology has been useful in my coaching business in yet another way. Skype and text message have allowed me to use my skills to assist anyone, no matter their preferences, location, or travel abilities. And all of the above are just ideas I use. I can't imagine how many other brilliant ideas are out there working for other people right now.

The key to it all, of course, is balance. The fact that technology is harmful in some cases is obvious, though I would say it's not as simple as that. People, to quote tumblr, have been sitting inside, ignoring each other since we invented indoors. This, so say I, is nothing new. The distractions, the addictions, the disruptions are all things we, as individuals and as a global community, must learn to deal with. And the key is balance, and each person’s definition of that balance is as unique as they are.

What role does technology play in your life?