The Evasive Energy Eater (and Two Ways to Defeat It)

Most people with a steady job know when they will be working. Their shifts are laid out in advance or they might get a call when it's time to come in to work. With people who work from home this can be less clearly defined, but generally even we know what is a work task and what isn't.

Then there's the fun things in life. Hockey practice, craft hobbies, meetings with fellow enthusiasts specifically to discuss a topic of interest. Days off or weekends are also time when we do whatever we want and have fun.

There is a third category of task, however, that I didn't realize existed up until recently. It hovers just outside our consciousness, unseen, but its effects can be felt. These are the tasks that can be defined by not fitting into either work or play time. They therefore have no designated time in our lives and as a result often don't get taken care of.

For people with ADHD, this particularly hard to tackle because although these tasks are often important, they are not usually urgent. ADHD is programmed to notice and react to things that are urgent. For more info on this concept, this video.

These tasks could be an email to a relative updating them on an ailing family member, filing personal paperwork, writing a will, housework, or exercise.

So much emphasis is placed on work and play, one more than the other unfortunately, that these little tasks just keep falling through the cracks. Each time I remember one, I feel bad, guilty, even ashamed I haven't gotten to them yet. After all, most of them take such a small amount of time!

In order to defend my energy from this invisible drain, I do two things:

1. Designate time

The biggest trap is that these grey area tasks have no specific time in which to do them. So I've designated time. I try to do one small item during my evening routine. I use my reminder app and label these tasks “Miscellaneous” so I can find them easily and not forget them.

An alternate method of remembering the tasks would be to email them to myself, the subject line reading “Miscellaneous task”, this makes it searchable within the email program. Then, when it's time to take care of them, search for those emails and delete them as they are taken care of.

2. Schedule reoccurring tasks

Housework used to fall under this neglected and guilt-ridden category for me. Because this is a set of tasks that will need to be repeated my whole life, I now have a specific day set aside for it and I connected the work to a weekly phone call to a friend, so I don't dread the tasks as much.

Any miscellaneous task that will reoccur is more efficient to schedule. It will weigh on me less, as long as I find the correct way to make sure I'll follow through with it.

I feel a little warm glow of energy when I take care of one of these tasks. It's like un-pilling the straw from the camel before its back breaks.

What little tasks are eating away at your energy?

5 Ways I've Made Meditation Realistic and Accessible (for my ADHD)

A ton of people have been saying a ton of great things about meditation, for thousands of years, recently, and with reference to mental health. It all sounded great to me, in theory, but I shrugged it off because I have ADHD and I felt my energy was better spent on things that were a more logical fit for my brain type.

As I began to get solid handles on many of my more crippling issues, I decided to give it the good old college try, mostly so I could prove that it was not a good fit for me. This stubborn “you can't tell me how to be happy” streak is one I've seen over and over again in my fellow ADHD brains.

I've never been on a mood-stabilizer, so I don't know what it feels like, but “stabilized mood” literally are the main effects I noticed from my first experiments with regular meditation. It genuinely feels like my mood has fewer sharp spikes, if it were represented by a graph. Although I have heard people talk about medications like mood stabilizers and antidepressants reducing their positive emotions as well, meditation did not do this to me. On the contrary, it has enabled me to engage deeply in the scattered fragments of joy hidden by the dark clouds of irritability, anxiety, and depression.

Here are 5 ways I made meditation accessible and realistic for me.

1. It was for me

Although the strategy I used to begin the experiment was accountability, I decided to meditate for myself, not because someone else told me to. The first time I heard about meditation being helpful for mental health wasn't the right time to start, nor was the second. The time I started was the right time. I wish I'd started a long time ago, but that doesn't matter. I started when I started.

2. Fully accept my thoughts

Instead of fighting my thoughts and being angry at them for interrupting my meditating, I've learned to notice when I'm engaging with them, accept that this is part of meditation, and move on. Two things have particularly helped me to do this:

1. The first is the description of meditation I heard at my ADHD support group. “Think of meditating like a workout for your brain. Each time you bring your focus back to wherever you intend it to be, that's a ‘rep’.” This makes me feel like the thoughts are actually helpful, because they are what allow me to perform that mental ‘rep’.

2. The second thing is keeping the note page of my phone open in my lap. There are some thoughts I don't want to float away forever, so I open my eyes, write the idea down, and go back to meditating. This has been incredibly helpful because I'm not trying to simultaneously focus on my breath and hold on to the ideas I want to remember until I can record them.

Some of my best ideas come to me when I'm meditating and I think this is because I'm open and unfocused, allowing things I'd never think of when I was carrying around my beliefs to emerge.

3. I did it myyyyyyy waaaaaaaaaay...!

I've heard that the “best” form of meditation is silent, with no movement. The study I read (and now cannot locate) show this builds the most grey matter in the brain. Part of me wants to do this, because if I'm going to do it I'd better be getting the maximum benefit possible for my efforts. I know myself well enough to veto this however, because if I don't meditate in the “easiest” and most comfortable way for me, I will stop doing it. Science agrees with me here and says while there are different “degrees” of effectiveness for various methods of meditation, any amount is more beneficial than none. So I recline, feet on my desk, with a specific track of music on, and my focus on my breathing. My way might be "imperfect" but it allows me to be consistent.

4. Fidget

Lately I've been getting super into the fidget to focus method of ADHD management. I've found that a fidget toy is an excellent focus for meditation. It can give something physically tangible to pull my attention back to.

5. Limit interruptions

Once I'm in “the zone”, one of the biggest irritants are interruptions. It took me all this effort to get here and now something else dares to ask for my attention?! I turn my phone to “do not disturb” and my smartwatch on “quiet time” before settling down to meditate. Luckily my only housemate knows I'm meditating and has never interrupted me, but if I were in circumstances where this were not so, I would inform anyone who might need my attention and/or remove myself to a private room.

For more information from an ADHD perspective on meditation, this video.

What would make it easy for you to meditate regularly?

9 Ways to Flourish Through Coaching

It took me a while to remember that the coach who became the reason I pursued this path was not my first ADHD coach. I’d worked with another coach some years before, but the memory hadn’t stuck with me because I’d gained little benefit from the experience. I’ve realised this is because I approached the second coaching relationship with a completely different set of attitudes and intentions then the first. Here are some of the things I’d advise anyone who wishes to gain full benefit from coaching to do.

1. Come prepared

From the very first session, and each session after that, figure out what it is you want to work on with your coach. A great way to do this is to compile a list of topics and challenges before your first session so you have ample material that will pull you toward your goals. You can also watch for topics throughout the week, in between sessions. I found after a while I began to see exactly what I wanted out of certain topics, such as a plan or clarifying what was tripping me up in a particular area.

2. Be aware

Knowing where you are in each area of your life is awesome for getting a jump-start on changing the areas that most need attention. When you know you have a tendency to neglect your physical health, for example, it makes it easier to begin to address that challenge. There are many tools for assisting with this such as filling out a life wheel.

3. Homework

There are many names for this, such as action steps, intentions, and “help-work” which is a particularly upbeat one I learned at ADDCA. It’s essential to keep careful track of the things you plan to do between sessions. This also looks different to different people. I personally use a notebook and reminder app. Whatever way works for you, use it to remember and stay aware of the actions you and your coach figure out together.

4. Ask for what you need

In the style of coaching I was taught, it is part of the coach’s job to assist in challenging the client the correct amount so they are launched forward and do not become overwhelmed. Figure out what this looks like for you and ask your coach to partner with you in planning it. I’ve found that answering quickly when asked about challenging myself leads to overwhelm or not challenging myself enough. I now give myself permission to pause and really consider myself, the week ahead, my energy, and other factors that impact my current ability to be challenged.

5. Detailed plans

When the action steps have been decided, be as detailed as needed in order to have the highest possibility of success. Also watch out for getting caught up in the planning as a way to avoid taking the first step. This is a behavior I’ve found myself in all too often.

6. Regularly reassess

Make sure to frequently check in on the progress toward goals. This will assist with awareness if something is stuck and impeding progress. I find it helps me to simply remember goals. I have so many plates I’m spinning all at once that it’s easy for one to fall without me noticing.

7. Celebrate successes

The other thing number 6 can do is highlight victories and successes. Actively look for those, during every coaching session and in between. Celebration can be a powerful force in momentum forward. When I check on the spinning plates and find none have fallen that is definitely cause for some celebratory dancing.

8. Prioritize self care

Particularly for those of us with ADHD, no one can achieve their full potential if they are not operating at peak performance. Start with Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and figure out what you need to get all your needs met. I review my considerable list of needs frequently and am always at my happiest and most efficient when they are more consistently met.

9. Take full advantage

Any given coach may offer a range of services in addition to coaching session. Ask about these and see if any would benefit you. As a coach, as long as boundaries are respected on both sides, I am always thrilled when a client utilizes all possible benefit I can be to them.

What allowed you to gain the most from an opportunity to change?

9 Things I Learned My First Year as a Coach

Although I technically only recently graduated ADDCA’s Basic program and finished training back in March, I consider myself to be a 1 year old coach. My teleclass leaders encouraged all of us to see ourselves as coaches as soon as we possibly could, even before we were “ready”. We weren't going to be coaches, we already were coaches. Here are just some of the things I've learned in that time.

1. Not everyone is ready for change

I firmly believe there is hope for every person to one day achieve the life they want. However, the truth is that, for some, that day has yet to dawn. Many, many factors go into a person being able and willing to create positive change. Timing can often be a huge one. I have found this fact assists me to have greater patience when I see those around me suffering, but not yet ready to change.

2. Unsolicited advice is useless

I wrote a whole post on this topic and every time I'm tempted and break this new rule I've made for myself I rediscover how utterly futile this behavior is.

3. Customized solutions

It is often said that everybody is different and it naturally follows that what works for one person won't work for another. This has been brought home to me over and over again as I work with clients. Things that make perfect sense to me are not meant to work for someone else. If they did, there would be no need for coaches, we co-explorers of the new and untried paths to success.

4. Don't fight your brain

So many people try and force things that simply are not the direction their brains are meant to go. One of the things I do as a coach is to assist people to look at the ways in which their brains naturally go and work with instead of against that flow.

5. Stages of ability

Even when a person is 80% whole (the assumption I was taught to make every time I meet with a client) there are levels or stages of ability that exist at any given time and in a vast range of areas. The most fantastic thing is that when a person is ready to change, it is possible to build on whatever levels they are currently on and rise higher, infinitely. We are all works in progress.

6. Legacies

I have struggled to simply function for most of my life. All the clutter associated with that pre-diagnosis fight concealed a miraculous fact from me: some people are actively working on what they will leave behind for future generations. This incredible concept stunned me when I was introduced to it late in my coach training. It is my ultimate goal to become a person like that someday.

7. Needs support productivity

I’d assumed most of my life that the things I wanted/needed (the definition was much fuzzier then) were nice bonuses of life. If I worked hard I'd earn the ability to relax and that the two came exclusively in that order. I have recently discovered that attending to needs (like play) are not only helpful for productivity but, when you have ADHD, essential. If I don't get proper sleep, play, and a number of other needs met, I am unable to be productive.

8. Follow your passion; It is not a pipe dream

Someone once told me that following what you love to make a living was nothing more than a Disney fantasy. I have a theory this belief may be unintentionally propagated by the movie industry. To make something normal it helps to include it in entertainment, however is it also communicating the idea that you can only follow your dreams if you are in a movie?

It definitely portrays the journey as shorter than it really is and sometimes as more comfortable. That montage set to Katy Perry’s Firework is actually representative of months, years, or even decades of living as no one is willing to live so you can live as no one is able to live.

I have come to know that this is not a fantasy, at least not for me.

9. The client does the work

If you had asked me a year ago who, in the coaching partnership, did the work, I'm not sure what I would have answered. I know the answer now, however. In the style of coaching I was taught, the coach doing the work for the client is as useful as a personal trainer hopping on a treadmill in the hopes that their client will lose weight. To be successful, the client does the work, both in sessions and between, and I am simply a facilitator.

What a fascinating journey 2016 was for me as a coach. I can't wait to find out what new revelations 2017 holds for me.

What did 2016 help you learn?

11 Questions That Changed My Life

Marilee Adams, Ph.D. is a leading expert on Question Thinking. Before I was introduced to her, and the power of questions at ADDCA, I had never considered how impactful the humble question could be. The style of coaching I was taught is powered by questions in the same way cars are powered by gasoline. I cannot imagine movement without it.

There are some questions that have impacted me positively more than others. The thoughts, revelations, and actions that sprang from them helped shape who I am today and assisted me in accomplishing everything I've achieved.

#1: “What is this emotion trying to tell me?”

I have learned that emotions can be viewed as messengers. They come to us to indicate something is seeking our attention. I always resolve issues faster when I ask myself this question.

#2: “When do I feel most at peace?”

This question is relatively new to me. It challenges my assumptions about what others say is needed for peace, because it is an intensely personal concept. I discovered the answer, right now, is “when I am most productive”. This has assisted me in motivating myself to do things that aren't fun for me.

#3: “What do I need?”

One of the more complex but vital questions I've ever been posed. Luckily I am almost always able to answer it, when I pause to ask.

#4: “What can I do without?”

Speaking of things that aren't fun. Answering this question, or rather discovering the answer when I continually make the choice to pursue running my own business instead of applying for a ‘real job’, has been one of the most challenging things I've ever done. That and truly coming to terms with the answers.

#5: “What is my definition of the difference between want and need?”

The vital word here is ‘my’, just like #2. It doesn't matter what others think. How do I define want and need? I've written blog after blog, chasing my answer.

#6: “Why am I doing this?”

Although ‘why’ can be interpreted as accusatory, I find it helpful. When I ask myself this question, I can examine where my energy is best spent. This is of importance to me especially because ADHD struggles with efficiency.

#7: “What can I put up with?”

Similar to #4, this question empowered me to choose, rather than play the victim in difficult situations, it continues to help me face the choices I have, who to spend my time with, and what qualities I value and which harm me.

#8: “What do I require in someone I invest time in?”

Also on the same theme as #4 and #7, the idea that I could define what I required in any type of relationship came as a complete revelation to me. Even now it seems selfish, almost like I should be “grateful” for any social interaction. However, it has empowered me to enact boundaries and seek out healthy relationships.

#9: “What is the most important quality in a partner, for me?”

Again, this question centers around my opinion being of utmost importance, as it pertains to my life. Others say gifts of flowers, chocolates, and jewelry are important, and for a time that opinion clouded my view. Now I've examined what truly is most important to me. Flowers didn't make the cut.

#10: “What is and is not important to me?”

This is another concept I had a relatively easy time answering, once I paused to ask it, and it's empowered me to be loyal to the true answers.

#11: “Why do others deserve kindness and not you?”

This question came from a dear friend and hit me like a ton of bricks. I still have no satisfactory answer, mostly because there is none, but the awareness I’ve gained has been invaluable to me.

When we ask questions, we can open a door to knowledge. Truth sets me free to build the life I need.

What questions have changed your life?

ADHD During the Holidays

Whenever I attend an ADHD support group meeting during the holidays, I know with grim certainty what I'm going to hear. Even just thinking about it, my heart sinks and I wish I had a magic wand to prevent the pain I know will be occurring.

Life is difficult enough for people with ADHD, and the holiday season, while delightfully enjoyable to some, brings fresh challenges that complicate things more. Organisational, financial, physical health problems, and emotional wounds reopened are just some of the things that cause us to feel, at best, overwhelmed, and at worst a deep sense of dread.

Tom Magliozzi famously said “Happiness equals reality minus expectations.” This is often true around the holidays when shining childhood memories or visions from the silver screen inflate what we expect from the season.

So how do we deal with all these pitfalls? My method is awareness and proactivity.

My family and I utilise a strategy which encompasses both these principles. At the beginning of the holiday season, we sit down and plan the events and activities that truly “make Christmas” for us. When I was younger it was important to find out if I wanted the Christmas tree put up before or after my birthday.

I also do this privately. I examine my expectations around the holidays and take steps to fulfil my own desires. I plan time for every little thing I want to happen, because I know it won't come to pass otherwise.

Not all our desires are technically in our control to meet, however. We may expect others to provide certain things for us. This of course is not in our control, unless we state openly and categorically what it is we want given to us, for example. I've used this technique with my ADHD family before. I traded surprise for more confidence in the usefulness of my presents.

What about when requesting isn't possible? In cases like this, the only remedy for me is awareness. Only when I acknowledge what is and is not likely to happen can I let go and enjoy what will be.

Awareness can also assist with those people we see over the holidays who may not “get it” when it comes to us and our ADHD. The challenges I share with my fellow ADHD brains simply make no sense to many neurotypical people, and I need to be ok with that.

And, as much as it chills me to contemplate, I may need to engage in... Small talk. Even the words make me shudder. Small talk is one of those things that people with ADHD consistently report loathing. However, awareness of this unfortunate reality allows me to gear up and prepare ahead of time, instead of unconsciously expecting something else that will inevitably be disappointed.

It's taken me 25 years to learn that my expectations can only be met by me. This seems like a very long time. However, it is half the time it has taken others, thanks to the increased awareness and education about ADHD. It has also enabled me to strive to empower others to take control of their happiness through their expectations. That is something I am grateful for.

What does the holiday season look like to you?

Routine Versus Spontaneity

The words “routine” and “spontaneity” seem to be antonyms. What could be more opposite than “a sequence of actions regularly followed” and “a sudden inner impulse without premeditation”? To me, however, they are not as dissimilar as they first appear.

I have already written about the role routine plays in my life and the benefits I, and others with ADHD, gain when utilising it. Another benefit is that of freeing me to live in the moment. My routines are the foundation on which I build my life. The “sequence of actions” that make up my routines all contribute in some small but fundamental way to me being able to function, whether at all or optimally. If my bed isn’t made, my dishes washed, my clothes clean and put away, I would not be able to act on any “inner impulse”.

This paradox can be likened to a building. It’s a lot more fun to pick out curtains and paint the trim than it is to plan the basement and hammer together the studs and joists for the walls and floors. However, curtains and trim in the middle of an empty lot gets cold and wet, eventually, and does not allow anyone to have much fun.

Balance, as I’ve said again and again, seems to be the key. Routine allows for spontaneity but neither in isolation create joy. This is the careful union of forces I will continue to strive to achieve.

What allows you to create spontaneous joy?

What Intellect is Not

I recently had a dear friend say to me “I'm continually amazed that anyone is able to communicate at all. Every word is a translation because of the specific and unique meaning we have for them.” I completely agree. Someone’s use of any given word can confuse or even insult depending on their personal meaning.

Not even a dictionary is any help with this issue. English is a continuously shifting and changing thing. It is usage altered every day; a moving target.

A word I find extremely frustrating in this regard is “intelligence” and its synonyms. This word has so many widespread incorrect meanings and usage that it may one day actually change to mean them. Then we’ll have to come up with another word.

A lot of people with ADHD are told they are stupid. This is for all sorts of reasons, one being a commonly held misconception about intelligence: that intellectual capacity is either synonymous with or at least always accompanied by an excellent memory. If someone has a poor memory, so says common wisdom, they cannot possibly be smart.

This is clearly not the case. Having a good memory does not mean the person has the ability to utilize the information retained and having poor recall does not preclude it.

It is related to the erroneous idea that a large vocabulary is an indicator of intelligence. I've heard it said that a person needs complex language in order to express complex ideas. That assumes that if someone is intelligent they are able to articulate it. How often has someone had an idea they simply lacked the language to express? Even with a large and complex vocabulary. That does not mean the intelligence is less, it simply means others cannot experience it.

Another frustrating phenomenon of mistaken intelligence was personified in an ad for theSkimm.com, a newsletter that sends the latest world headlines to your email every morning. Their tagline “TheSkimm makes it easier to be smarter.” while pithy, is almost entirely incorrect. Being informed or aware of current events does not make you smart. I'd even argue the opposite. If someone had a gift for a specific topic or area, are they best served spreading their energy and time across a wide area? I don't think they are.

When theSkimm.com invited me to sign up for their newsletter, the decline button was labeled “No thanks, I prefer to be miserable in the morning.” I guess they've never heard of a news holiday and don't know that if I subscribed to them that would in fact be what would make me miserable in the morning.

All of this does not even begin to touch on the different kinds of intelligence. Social, emotional, mechanical, academic, and others that simply do not have labels yet.

I hope we can begin to look for, celebrate, and utilize the intellect in our fellow humans. We as a species need all the smarts we can get.