11 Questions That Changed My Life

Marilee Adams, Ph.D. is a leading expert on Question Thinking. Before I was introduced to her, and the power of questions at ADDCA, I had never considered how impactful the humble question could be. The style of coaching I was taught is powered by questions in the same way cars are powered by gasoline. I cannot imagine movement without it.

There are some questions that have impacted me positively more than others. The thoughts, revelations, and actions that sprang from them helped shape who I am today and assisted me in accomplishing everything I've achieved.

#1: “What is this emotion trying to tell me?”

I have learned that emotions can be viewed as messengers. They come to us to indicate something is seeking our attention. I always resolve issues faster when I ask myself this question.

#2: “When do I feel most at peace?”

This question is relatively new to me. It challenges my assumptions about what others say is needed for peace, because it is an intensely personal concept. I discovered the answer, right now, is “when I am most productive”. This has assisted me in motivating myself to do things that aren't fun for me.

#3: “What do I need?”

One of the more complex but vital questions I've ever been posed. Luckily I am almost always able to answer it, when I pause to ask.

#4: “What can I do without?”

Speaking of things that aren't fun. Answering this question, or rather discovering the answer when I continually make the choice to pursue running my own business instead of applying for a ‘real job’, has been one of the most challenging things I've ever done. That and truly coming to terms with the answers.

#5: “What is my definition of the difference between want and need?”

The vital word here is ‘my’, just like #2. It doesn't matter what others think. How do I define want and need? I've written blog after blog, chasing my answer.

#6: “Why am I doing this?”

Although ‘why’ can be interpreted as accusatory, I find it helpful. When I ask myself this question, I can examine where my energy is best spent. This is of importance to me especially because ADHD struggles with efficiency.

#7: “What can I put up with?”

Similar to #4, this question empowered me to choose, rather than play the victim in difficult situations, it continues to help me face the choices I have, who to spend my time with, and what qualities I value and which harm me.

#8: “What do I require in someone I invest time in?”

Also on the same theme as #4 and #7, the idea that I could define what I required in any type of relationship came as a complete revelation to me. Even now it seems selfish, almost like I should be “grateful” for any social interaction. However, it has empowered me to enact boundaries and seek out healthy relationships.

#9: “What is the most important quality in a partner, for me?”

Again, this question centers around my opinion being of utmost importance, as it pertains to my life. Others say gifts of flowers, chocolates, and jewelry are important, and for a time that opinion clouded my view. Now I've examined what truly is most important to me. Flowers didn't make the cut.

#10: “What is and is not important to me?”

This is another concept I had a relatively easy time answering, once I paused to ask it, and it's empowered me to be loyal to the true answers.

#11: “Why do others deserve kindness and not you?”

This question came from a dear friend and hit me like a ton of bricks. I still have no satisfactory answer, mostly because there is none, but the awareness I’ve gained has been invaluable to me.

When we ask questions, we can open a door to knowledge. Truth sets me free to build the life I need.

What questions have changed your life?

The Double Agent of ADHD

The very first thing a lot of people learn about ADHD, even if they remain fixed on fiction of “just boys with ants in their pants”, is the short attention span. This is of course more complex than even the name Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder suggests, but the simple fact that there are very few and specific things someone with ADHD can easily focus their long-term attention on is very real and very impactful. It can be our saving grace or, much more often, our downfall.

The word “routine”, noun, means ‘a sequence of actions regularly followed; a fixed program’. In other words a bunch of things, sometimes that you have to do, repeated over and over again. When applied to ADHD, this can trigger multiple symptoms, such as difficulty with transition, resistance to repetition, simple boredom, memory problems, time blindness, difficulty with decision making, difficulty creating and maintaining structure for oneself, and the idea that creative people must live in chaos or betray their artistic soul. The idea of embracing something so downright painful is incredibly hard for the ADHD brain to comprehend.

To me, as a person with lifelong ADHD, routine seemed to be something that happened to other people. I didn’t even have school to give my life structure until I started training as an ADHD coach. After my diagnosis, I began slowly scooping my life into a more comfortable and workable shape. Many things began to emerge that stood the test of time as being very helpful to me. But when I tried to get every one of them done in a day, I would get distracted between each item, and a list I assumed would take others less than an hour took me half or three quarters of the day.

Over years I tried to tweak, alter, and change things until I now have what I proudly call a morning and evening “routine”. It is a list of things that all, in one way or another, form the foundation of my life. They allow me to accomplish everything from maintaining friendships, to housework, to the two businesses I run, to assisting family in times of crisis and celebrating with them in times of joy. I cannot overstate how essential they are to me.

An excellent example is something that happened just this week. Even though I’ve been working on myself and my life since my diagnosis almost 8 years ago, a real, solid, regularly followed routine is a relatively new thing, at least in its current, and historically most useful, iteration. I woke up feeling very low and because, for ADHD, emotion is reality, it was very hard for me to imagine that anything could help lift me. I knew, however, that my morning routine was very beneficial to me, so I started it.

Throughout the process, which takes me between an hour and 90 minutes, I realized my mood turned completely around. I felt content, happy, even energetic. I attribute this to the comforting nature of the familiar flow of tasks, the knowledge that I was accomplishing something important, and the soothing transition ritual and dopamine creation strategy I have in place.

In order to circumvent the list of symptoms of ADHD I’ve listed above that interfere with my ability to accomplish daily routines, I have four major ‘fierce systems’ in place:

The first is headphones playing something I really like (Netflix, YouTube, music, or podcast) to keep my interest focused, allow for easier transition between tasks, and production of low-level dopamine. The second is an agreement I’ve come to with my family that if they see me with both headphones in my ears, they are to refrain from talking to me so I don’t become distracted from my routine. The third is a stopwatch I use for recording how long the routine takes me every morning. This is like a game, or a race against myself, seeing how efficient I can be, and helps produce more dopamine. The final system is, of course, that each routine (every day of the week has slightly different tasks) is recorded as a list in a phone reminder.

This is what I have to do in order to keep my life running smoothly, with the double agent that is routine, in an ADHD brain. When I imagine how other people, who have brains untroubled by these things, glide smoothly through their lives, without a second or even first thought to structure, routine, or dopamine, I have to admit to feeling jealous. That being said, I have proven to myself that I can overcome challenges of neurobiology and work with the very nature of who I am. All, I might add, without the benefit of medication or coffee. That is something of which I am very proud.

What role does routine play in your life?

Relatable ADHD

First of a two-part series.

There are many people who claim that the mental condition known as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder does not exist. I do not argue with these people because it is seldom useful to do so. Instead I try and find some common ground with them.

A phenomenon I find fascinating that was brought about (I’m assuming) by the internet, is known as “TFW” which is an acronym standing for “that feeling when”. It is followed by some event or experience that the person hopes others share. Another title is “so relatable”. I say it is likely the advent of the internet that brought this into existence because I don’t know if people shared things like this before Facebook and Twitter. At least not as widely.

I’ve seen many posts along these lines and empathized with a lot of them. None so much as the ones I share below which I associate with my ADHD brain. It doesn’t really matter, in the end, if it is ADHD or not. If one were to view it in that light, however, one might gain insight into the prevalence of individuals currently struggling with symptoms ADHD treatment is designed to ease.

A lot of people with ADHD have this stubborn streak about them. Combined with a need to have everything they do be their own idea, and never, ever follow The Instructions, you end up with this post. As far as I know, it is not properly understood why this happens, but just try and tell someone with ADHD what to do and let me know how it goes.

Being proactive is a good way to combat this. Asking what they need to do before it is asked of them. When the ADHD brain feels in control, like it was their idea, they can avoid this feeling.

This post also mentions the phenomenon of the post above, but goes a bit further. Pressure is a highly delicate and sensitive thing for ADHD. If there isn’t enough we find it difficult to engage our brains (such as a deadline of “whenever you get around to it”) and if there is too much we simply shut down entirely (such as an imminent deadline of dire consequences). The feeling of an empty house is a welcome release from the pressure of other people’s expectations and allows ADHD to thrive on the novelty of self-direction. Being left to their own devices too long results in the vacuum of pressure that also precludes productivity.

The real trick is to come to a balance of input and/or accountability from trusted loved ones and the freedom of self-direction. On a day when I knew I wanted to clean I posted on Facebook about that intention and asked my friends to text me around supper time asking about it. The idea to clean was mine and the fact that I knew others would be asking helped to motivate without overloading me with pressure.

Stubbornness once more rears its head. This might even be viewed as Oppositional Defiance Disorder which has a 50% comorbidity diagnosed with ADHD in children. People with ADHD can defy instructions, even to the detriment of others and themselves. When emotions overwhelm the human brain we can lose the ability to access our centers of reason and logic. Known as an “Amygdala hijack” this can happen to almost everyone, ADHD or otherwise, but can be more common with ADHD because our emotions are so much more intense and harder to control. This can make it difficult or impossible to rationally decide what action on our part will result in the best outcome. A qualified professional can, in many cases, assist with processing strong emotions such as anger.

The effort involved in even the simplest tasks of day-to-day living is enormous for ADHD (especially before diagnosis and treatment). Accomplishing 1 item on a to do list can take a lot of energy, especially if, as is very common, the individual has made a list that cannot possibly be finished in the allotted time. Being unable to accurately predict how long any given task will take is another facet of time blindness that is also associated with ADHD.

Breaking down a to do list into smaller chunks is one strategy. Instead of “clean my room” instead consider “make bed”, then “pick up only clothes”, then “clear desk”. This can also help to more accurately predict the length of time needed for the work.

They say “If you want something done, give it to a busy person.” This doesn’t always hold true with ADHD. A lot of us are very anxious to please and make the people around us happy. We have a hard time saying “no” even when we know we cannot take on anymore work. This means we over-promise and under-deliver, causing us to feel badly about ourselves and tarnishing our reputations at work, with family, and in social groups.

I perpetually try to reverse that harmful tendency. I under-promise in order to over-deliver. Whatever deadline I think I can meet I usually double, just to be safe. If the task or project has no deadline I make it clear to the other person that I will do my best to get at it but that it may take some time. Nine times out of ten the other person will be happier to have the project delivered before the longer deadline than after the shorter one. If someone appears unhappy about the time, an explanation of the reasoning can show the goodwill and ease any concerns. “I have ADHD, so to make sure I don’t blow past a 1 week deadline, I’ve told you 2 weeks, and you’ll probably get it in ten days, but I don’t want to promise something and then fail to deliver.”

ADHD can remain disguised for many years by circumstance and coping mechanisms created to hide abnormality. There has been a spike in middle-aged individuals being diagnosed alongside their children because they looked at the list of symptoms and said “Wait... Everyone isn’t like this?” A lot of people with ADHD manage more or less effectively until a sudden increase in responsibility or a crisis throws them into chaos. Common events are entering grade 9, beginning college or university, moving out of parents’ house, or starting a family.

ADHD is one of the most treatable mental disorders. There are many resources and professionals available to help anyone curious about everything from diagnosis criteria to medication to nutritional treatments. When someone is living with undiagnosed, untreated ADHD they may feel as though they are lazy, stupid, and crazy. This is not the case and there is always, always hope.

ADHD in Fiction Case Study: Tony Stark

The characters in works of fiction don’t just leap onto the page from a void. Every artist who creates memorable characters draws from their life experiences. Traits, mannerisms, and expressions the creator has seen, come to life in the creation.

There’s no such person as Tony Stark and there’s no such thing as the Iron Man suit, in real life. If there were, though, I’d bet you dollars to donuts he could be diagnosed with ADHD. Not that he'd be likely to seek out professional help.

I watched all three Iron Man films, as well as The Avengers, over the weekend, in preparation for seeing Captain America: Civil War today. The following are my observations of behaviours consistent with my experience of ADHD, present in Tony Stark. Some of them are “official” signs and symptoms, and others are known as “soft signs” or patterns those in the mental health professions have identified, but can't quantify scientifically.

One of the most noticeable things to me about the Iron Man films is the chaotic nature of the dialogue. Most movies have actors speaking in a very clean way, almost never interrupting each other or talking over one another. This is very unlike real life where people continually collide verbally. Not so in films starring Iron Man. Tony habitually talks over other characters, interrupting and cutting them off.

No doubts about Tony’s reputation for thrill-seeking and risk taking. He drives powerful cars very fast, his suits are the ultimate expression of man’s desire for flight, and in the first movie he demonstrates a missile presumably in a war-zone.

In his early life there are multiple examples of his promiscuity. Monogamy is a challenge for him after a lifestyle of constantly new and exciting partners.

His memory is very good, until it comes to boring things, like his assistant’s birthday or her allergy to strawberries.

Several on-screen events and implications lead me to believe Tony has never once been on time for anything. It’s a good thing his wealth allows him the freedom never to have to miss a flight.

On the other hand if someone else is late or even a fraction of a second behind him, they are suddenly very irritating. He does not wait for anything he doesn’t have to. Which is linked to impulsivity, shown in his disregard for diagnostics of equipment, safety checks, and his extremely impulsive statement at the end of the first movie: “I am Iron Man.”

However Tony Stark is undeniably charming, charismatic, and a natural leader. Despite all the aforementioned traits, women flock to him, and his friends remain loyal. Pepper Potts seems to be the only person able to bring Tony to heel.

When working in his shop, the world disappears. He becomes oblivious to everyone and everything, lost in the science and mechanics that are his true passion. In the world of ADHD we call that “hyper-focus”. It’s probably physically painful when someone interrupts this intense focus.

Though oblivious to a lot of things, when an issue of injustice becomes apparent to him, Tony reacts strongly toward correcting it. He takes risks and defies traditions in order to set right what was wrong.

Tony is shown drinking heavily in several scenes and in the comic books he develops a severe drinking problem. It may even be argued that he is also addicted to adrenaline.

Underneath his devil-may-care attitude, he is a very emotional person. His feelings are real, and deep, even if he lacks the capacity to express himself or show that he cares through action.

“I don’t like being handed things” is a phrase he repeats often and is likely a mechanism to avoid responsibility that will overwhelm him and that he believes he will eventually fail to live up to.

Any location Tony Stark has been working is invariably a chaotic and messy place. It’s likely he knows where every piece of equipment is at any given time, but to any other brain the space looks overcrowded and unlivable.

Despite the chaos he creates, all environments must be completely within his control. The comforts of his wealthy lifestyle must be immediately to hand at all times. Even to the point of bringing a fully-automatic drinks cabinet to the Middle East.

To many, his high profile public image may speak to an unhealthy need for attention. From an ADHD perspective, all that notoriety struggles to fill a deep-seated need for validation, one that may never be truly filled.

A classic ADHD trait Tony often exhibits is distractibility. The smallest thing can catch and hold his attention away from more “important” matters. However, importance takes a backseat to interest every time, for the ADHD brain.

When something does catch his interest though, his attention is hooked, as mentioned before. He is prolific in his area of interest, working 72 hours without sleep. It's also worth noting that Tony carves out his own operating systems to suit himself. ADHD rarely finds a ready-made system that works for them; we tend to make our own.

When a problem presents itself, Tony is a creative, outside-the-box thinker. You need to be if you intend to save 13 people falling from a plane when you can only carry 4. He was even compared to Da Vinci who some have speculated probably had ADHD himself. “Following’s not really my style.”

Although it may not seem like it, I believe Tony has a strong sense of empathy for the emotions and pain of others. He puts up a sarcastic mask for most of the world, thereby protecting himself from the inevitable pain of emotional connection.

He is a Maverick in the truest sense of the term. He finds delight in defying authority and fun in recklessness. He lives by his own rules. “I have a plan: attack.”

His mouth and mind work twice as fast as most of those around him. He's smart, but also a smart-mouth and undoubtedly the class clown as a child. “Genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist.”

He can be very observant, spotting a helicarrier crew member playing a computer game on the bridge of over two dozen people.

Even Pepper Potts is a sign of Tony’s ADHD. Starting out as the assistant who handled all the day-to-day duties too boring for the man himself to attend to, she then became the organized partner who assists the ADHD individual to thrive, unburdened by the tasks their brain can't handle.

Tony remarked once that he has a “laundry list of character defects” and so might these appear to the untrained eye. However, looking through a lens of ADHD, it all becomes clear to me. I empathize with almost every one of these so-called “defects”. Knowledge is the key to eliminating stigma.