A Relationship with Oneself

The word “relationship” has come to mean romantic connections in our culture, generally speaking. We do, however, have many other types of relationships. Family, friends, colleagues, classmates, all different, all varied in their management.

There is one relationship type that I fear we forget, and, if we do remember, neglect. That is the relationship with yourself. Olivia Penpraze said “Remember yourself as a little girl, she is counting on you to protect her.” How many of us give thought or effort to this protection and care?

Many people have “best friends”, people they confide in, rely on for advice, and in whom they have implicit trust. We treat our best friends very well and with a great deal of kindness. We encourage them, help them see their strengths and not dwell on their weaknesses. What contrast might we find if we compare our compassion toward that beloved person and toward ourselves?

An important element in any kind of relationship is trust. Anyone with ADHD can tell you it's very difficult to trust yourself when you are constantly doing things you know aren't helpful or even things you are unable to explain. So how can there be trust in that relationship?

Rewards are another stumbling block. If we promise ourselves a reward for some task and don't deliver it right away, or worse don't deliver it at all, the promise of reward ceases to be at all effective because there is no trust.

It takes time, but it is possible to regain this trust in ourselves. I believe the shape of what will garner this trust will look different for every person. The basic idea to regain trust is to promise something and then, no matter what happens, deliver it. At first, of course, the distrust will remain. Over time, however, the brain can learn that change is, in fact, occurring. What we promise does come to pass.

I wrote a blog post about motivating myself with a movie. The update on that experiment is that I entirely failed to reward myself with the movie. I lost faith in myself through that. This would not have happened if I had watched the movie. It seems a small price to pay.

Nothing is perfect, obviously, and of course sometimes life will prevent us from following through on things. The idea is to be as consistent as possible, and not give into the inner-nay-sayer and decide, after the fact, that we don't actually deserve that reward after all.

How is your relationship with yourself?

Why I Gave Up Advice

Any time we have a problem there are always scads of people lining up to give us advice on how to solve it. Even if we didn't ask, even if we don't even really agree we have a problem, even if we are really quite happy, thank you very much, and really do not understand what the supposed problem is. Nevertheless, there is no shortage of advice.

When I went through ADHD coach training, I came to realize just how useless this practice really is. I know from personal experience that this unsolicited advice can range from mildly irritating to downright harmful, in certain instances.

I believe one reason it is so pointless is that any one of us cannot possibly fully grasp the experience of another. However well we know that other person, there is no way we can completely know what is in their head and heart. Therefore, any solution we come up with for their problem has a random chance of being useful because it came out of our own experience, not theirs.

In coaching, I strive to assist in clarifying, as fully as possible, all the facets and features of any given challenge. This can allow the person facing the challenge to create their own solution, making it as unique as they are. And this solution is almost always far more effective than any suggestion of anyone else’s (even mine) because it originated in the person who truly knows best.

An exception, naturally, is the topic of ADHD and its various symptoms. When it comes to working with our ADHD, a lot of us feel helpless and struggling in vain to find anything that will work. In these instances seeking the advice of a book on ADHD, a resource website such as TotallyADD.com, or a trained ADHD coach can be very valuable. However even these proffered strategies will increase in value once they are tailored and tweaked to fit the unique ADHD life.

So this is why I decided I would cease giving unsolicited advice, to anyone, not just my clients. I was wasting my breath and possibly annoying the person I intended to help.

And then a very unexpected thing happened. As soon as I made this promise to myself, friends and family started asking for my advice on specific topics. It was like the universe was having a great chuckle at my expense. And what can you really do at that point? So I laughed along.

One person asked me how I personally handle a specific situation, and I said “Do you mean in a practical sense or an emotional sense?” They told me that question was far more valuable than any of the advice that followed because it helped them explore their own conundrum further. Also the question beginning “How do you handle...” is particularly good for advice because it allows the other to simply consider and learn without there being any implication that it will definitely be helpful or relevant.

Then of course there are those verbal processors. What we need more than anything when facing a challenge is the time to get our thoughts from inside our brains, out our mouths, and to the world. Matt Smith’s Doctor Who once said “I don't know what the plan is yet; I haven't stopped talking.”

What advice do you give?

App Spotlight: The Rock Clock

I have quite a wide variety of interests, I always have. I know a fair amount about several subjects you might not expect. I must say, however, that wrestling was never an interest of mine. So if someone mentioned Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, I would only have known him from his acting career.

More recently, a client put me onto a very unique alarm app. The concept seemed super cool and only grew more interesting as I investigated it further. At its core The Rock Clock (iOS or Android) is an alarm or wake-up app. It has several tones to “wake my @$$ up”, including my personal favourite “THE ROAR”. It begins with the noise of a crowd, then a chant of “Get up! Get up! Get up!” Highly motivating even though I’m not a pro wrestler trying to stand up from the mat.

It also incorporates goal awareness. You enter your current goal and the app keeps it in your face as you use it. When you mark the goal as completed you hear Dwayne say “Great job.” and a message appears: “PROJECT CRUSHED”.

My favourite part of the app is the fact that it is part of a bigger project by The Rock. The example goals on the app show that not everyone's goals are fitness related. ‘Learn a new language’ and ‘Finish screenplay’ are there alongside ‘Gain a pound of muscle’.

When I visited www.projectrockofficial.com I was even more impressed. Clearly Dwayne Johnson has untold depths of character and a desire to help his fellow man I never would have discovered if I hadn't looked further than his wrestling career or celebrity status.

So now I have a new goal: challenge every assumption I have about everything. And thanks to The Rock, I am one step closer to achieving it.

The Double Agent of ADHD

The very first thing a lot of people learn about ADHD, even if they remain fixed on fiction of “just boys with ants in their pants”, is the short attention span. This is of course more complex than even the name Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder suggests, but the simple fact that there are very few and specific things someone with ADHD can easily focus their long-term attention on is very real and very impactful. It can be our saving grace or, much more often, our downfall.

The word “routine”, noun, means ‘a sequence of actions regularly followed; a fixed program’. In other words a bunch of things, sometimes that you have to do, repeated over and over again. When applied to ADHD, this can trigger multiple symptoms, such as difficulty with transition, resistance to repetition, simple boredom, memory problems, time blindness, difficulty with decision making, difficulty creating and maintaining structure for oneself, and the idea that creative people must live in chaos or betray their artistic soul. The idea of embracing something so downright painful is incredibly hard for the ADHD brain to comprehend.

To me, as a person with lifelong ADHD, routine seemed to be something that happened to other people. I didn’t even have school to give my life structure until I started training as an ADHD coach. After my diagnosis, I began slowly scooping my life into a more comfortable and workable shape. Many things began to emerge that stood the test of time as being very helpful to me. But when I tried to get every one of them done in a day, I would get distracted between each item, and a list I assumed would take others less than an hour took me half or three quarters of the day.

Over years I tried to tweak, alter, and change things until I now have what I proudly call a morning and evening “routine”. It is a list of things that all, in one way or another, form the foundation of my life. They allow me to accomplish everything from maintaining friendships, to housework, to the two businesses I run, to assisting family in times of crisis and celebrating with them in times of joy. I cannot overstate how essential they are to me.

An excellent example is something that happened just this week. Even though I’ve been working on myself and my life since my diagnosis almost 8 years ago, a real, solid, regularly followed routine is a relatively new thing, at least in its current, and historically most useful, iteration. I woke up feeling very low and because, for ADHD, emotion is reality, it was very hard for me to imagine that anything could help lift me. I knew, however, that my morning routine was very beneficial to me, so I started it.

Throughout the process, which takes me between an hour and 90 minutes, I realized my mood turned completely around. I felt content, happy, even energetic. I attribute this to the comforting nature of the familiar flow of tasks, the knowledge that I was accomplishing something important, and the soothing transition ritual and dopamine creation strategy I have in place.

In order to circumvent the list of symptoms of ADHD I’ve listed above that interfere with my ability to accomplish daily routines, I have four major ‘fierce systems’ in place:

The first is headphones playing something I really like (Netflix, YouTube, music, or podcast) to keep my interest focused, allow for easier transition between tasks, and production of low-level dopamine. The second is an agreement I’ve come to with my family that if they see me with both headphones in my ears, they are to refrain from talking to me so I don’t become distracted from my routine. The third is a stopwatch I use for recording how long the routine takes me every morning. This is like a game, or a race against myself, seeing how efficient I can be, and helps produce more dopamine. The final system is, of course, that each routine (every day of the week has slightly different tasks) is recorded as a list in a phone reminder.

This is what I have to do in order to keep my life running smoothly, with the double agent that is routine, in an ADHD brain. When I imagine how other people, who have brains untroubled by these things, glide smoothly through their lives, without a second or even first thought to structure, routine, or dopamine, I have to admit to feeling jealous. That being said, I have proven to myself that I can overcome challenges of neurobiology and work with the very nature of who I am. All, I might add, without the benefit of medication or coffee. That is something of which I am very proud.

What role does routine play in your life?

Relatable ADHD

First of a two-part series.

There are many people who claim that the mental condition known as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder does not exist. I do not argue with these people because it is seldom useful to do so. Instead I try and find some common ground with them.

A phenomenon I find fascinating that was brought about (I’m assuming) by the internet, is known as “TFW” which is an acronym standing for “that feeling when”. It is followed by some event or experience that the person hopes others share. Another title is “so relatable”. I say it is likely the advent of the internet that brought this into existence because I don’t know if people shared things like this before Facebook and Twitter. At least not as widely.

I’ve seen many posts along these lines and empathized with a lot of them. None so much as the ones I share below which I associate with my ADHD brain. It doesn’t really matter, in the end, if it is ADHD or not. If one were to view it in that light, however, one might gain insight into the prevalence of individuals currently struggling with symptoms ADHD treatment is designed to ease.

A lot of people with ADHD have this stubborn streak about them. Combined with a need to have everything they do be their own idea, and never, ever follow The Instructions, you end up with this post. As far as I know, it is not properly understood why this happens, but just try and tell someone with ADHD what to do and let me know how it goes.

Being proactive is a good way to combat this. Asking what they need to do before it is asked of them. When the ADHD brain feels in control, like it was their idea, they can avoid this feeling.

This post also mentions the phenomenon of the post above, but goes a bit further. Pressure is a highly delicate and sensitive thing for ADHD. If there isn’t enough we find it difficult to engage our brains (such as a deadline of “whenever you get around to it”) and if there is too much we simply shut down entirely (such as an imminent deadline of dire consequences). The feeling of an empty house is a welcome release from the pressure of other people’s expectations and allows ADHD to thrive on the novelty of self-direction. Being left to their own devices too long results in the vacuum of pressure that also precludes productivity.

The real trick is to come to a balance of input and/or accountability from trusted loved ones and the freedom of self-direction. On a day when I knew I wanted to clean I posted on Facebook about that intention and asked my friends to text me around supper time asking about it. The idea to clean was mine and the fact that I knew others would be asking helped to motivate without overloading me with pressure.

Stubbornness once more rears its head. This might even be viewed as Oppositional Defiance Disorder which has a 50% comorbidity diagnosed with ADHD in children. People with ADHD can defy instructions, even to the detriment of others and themselves. When emotions overwhelm the human brain we can lose the ability to access our centers of reason and logic. Known as an “Amygdala hijack” this can happen to almost everyone, ADHD or otherwise, but can be more common with ADHD because our emotions are so much more intense and harder to control. This can make it difficult or impossible to rationally decide what action on our part will result in the best outcome. A qualified professional can, in many cases, assist with processing strong emotions such as anger.

The effort involved in even the simplest tasks of day-to-day living is enormous for ADHD (especially before diagnosis and treatment). Accomplishing 1 item on a to do list can take a lot of energy, especially if, as is very common, the individual has made a list that cannot possibly be finished in the allotted time. Being unable to accurately predict how long any given task will take is another facet of time blindness that is also associated with ADHD.

Breaking down a to do list into smaller chunks is one strategy. Instead of “clean my room” instead consider “make bed”, then “pick up only clothes”, then “clear desk”. This can also help to more accurately predict the length of time needed for the work.

They say “If you want something done, give it to a busy person.” This doesn’t always hold true with ADHD. A lot of us are very anxious to please and make the people around us happy. We have a hard time saying “no” even when we know we cannot take on anymore work. This means we over-promise and under-deliver, causing us to feel badly about ourselves and tarnishing our reputations at work, with family, and in social groups.

I perpetually try to reverse that harmful tendency. I under-promise in order to over-deliver. Whatever deadline I think I can meet I usually double, just to be safe. If the task or project has no deadline I make it clear to the other person that I will do my best to get at it but that it may take some time. Nine times out of ten the other person will be happier to have the project delivered before the longer deadline than after the shorter one. If someone appears unhappy about the time, an explanation of the reasoning can show the goodwill and ease any concerns. “I have ADHD, so to make sure I don’t blow past a 1 week deadline, I’ve told you 2 weeks, and you’ll probably get it in ten days, but I don’t want to promise something and then fail to deliver.”

ADHD can remain disguised for many years by circumstance and coping mechanisms created to hide abnormality. There has been a spike in middle-aged individuals being diagnosed alongside their children because they looked at the list of symptoms and said “Wait... Everyone isn’t like this?” A lot of people with ADHD manage more or less effectively until a sudden increase in responsibility or a crisis throws them into chaos. Common events are entering grade 9, beginning college or university, moving out of parents’ house, or starting a family.

ADHD is one of the most treatable mental disorders. There are many resources and professionals available to help anyone curious about everything from diagnosis criteria to medication to nutritional treatments. When someone is living with undiagnosed, untreated ADHD they may feel as though they are lazy, stupid, and crazy. This is not the case and there is always, always hope.

Small Bits of Happiness

There are so many theories on happiness. Just so incredibly many. I tend to go with the ones backed by science and my own experience.

Small amounts of happiness spread out over time are considerably more beneficial to mental health than large amounts of happiness once in awhile. This seems like common sense, since it was presented to me in that way. Though, like so many things, it is way easier said than done.

I think this is partly because of what our culture finds “acceptable” in terms of self-care. Vacations are a generally accepted form of self-care, and those are usually big, and infrequent. Self-care that happens often can often be viewed, erroneously, as selfish and outside of what is needed.

One way to assist with increasing these little pieces of happiness is to schedule self-care into your day/week.

Another is to insert it in other creative ways.

I love receiving messages first thing when I wake up. I subscribed to Notes from the Universe for this reason. And if you’re like me, you probably have a 99+ Watch Later YouTube playlist. I decided to combine these things.

Through the automated text service Remindr you can send yourself emails (as well as texts/calls) at certain times. Copy the link to a video from the Watch Later playlist into an email, one per day/weekday, and watch the video when it arrives in the morning. Laughter is a great way to give that little boost of energy needed to pop out of bed. Just make sure you’re not at work if you have NSFW videos in the playlist.

The other great thing about this strategy is I completely forget what’s in those emails by the time they arrive so it’s like a little lottery of novelty in my day. Novelty is fantastic for ADHD because it helps us produce dopamine.

What small bits of happiness can you accumulate?

Iced Time Blindness

In the summer months I like to have something readily on hand to drink that’s cold and isn’t water. I also don’t drink alcohol. I’ve used frozen juice, as well as powdered iced tea, and those are all well and good. There’s just something about homemade, fresh brewed iced tea. Or rather, sweet tea, as my American pals might say, because I don’t think I could ever drink it without sugar. I am weak.

ADHD has a real problem with time, including a phenomenon known as “time blindness”. Basically this means we have no clue how much time has passed at any given moment. We can look up from something and almost always be surprised at what the actual time is, either that it has sped by or dragged along. This produces a mindset of “now” and “not now” being the only two states of being. This makes it hard to wait for anything, as one example complication.

Homemade, chilled, iced tea is a lot like time blindness. Either it is “now”, made, cold, delicious, or it is “not now”, unmade, perpetually at least a few hours in the future. So I began a habit of making a batch every day, to replace the batch I was currently drinking. I was making an effort for “not now”, which, even though logically I know “I’ll be thirsty tomorrow” still seems like a funny thing to actually be doing.

This is a hurdle anyone with the “now” and “not now” brain filter must contend with daily. We all do things (or fail to do things) that benefit us down the line. The trick is finding out how to do it and do it more or less consistently. I have imagined the result in my mind (which is especially easy to do when I’m drinking iced tea made the day before) and that can provide motivation. Another way to overcome this challenge is to make contracts with yourself or others, or simply to make the action or habit a Rule, something you do, no matter what, because it’s 2:30PM on a Wednesday.

Time Blind Iced Tea

• 8 cups boiling water
• 2 tea bags, orange pekoe
• 1/3 + 1 tbsp. (or to taste) white sugar
• 1/3 + 1 tsp. (or to taste) lemon juice

1. Steep tea bags in water 5-9 minutes, or to desired strength. Stir in sugar, ensure it has entirely dissolved. Stir in lemon juice. Remove tea bags.
2. Cover with a cloth and allow to cool at room temperature until it reaches a temperature you find acceptable to place in the fridge. Chill overnight. Serve with a lemon wedge on the glass, if you’re feeling that.

What can you do now that will benefit your future self?