9 Ways to Flourish Through Coaching

It took me a while to remember that the coach who became the reason I pursued this path was not my first ADHD coach. I’d worked with another coach some years before, but the memory hadn’t stuck with me because I’d gained little benefit from the experience. I’ve realised this is because I approached the second coaching relationship with a completely different set of attitudes and intentions then the first. Here are some of the things I’d advise anyone who wishes to gain full benefit from coaching to do.

1. Come prepared

From the very first session, and each session after that, figure out what it is you want to work on with your coach. A great way to do this is to compile a list of topics and challenges before your first session so you have ample material that will pull you toward your goals. You can also watch for topics throughout the week, in between sessions. I found after a while I began to see exactly what I wanted out of certain topics, such as a plan or clarifying what was tripping me up in a particular area.

2. Be aware

Knowing where you are in each area of your life is awesome for getting a jump-start on changing the areas that most need attention. When you know you have a tendency to neglect your physical health, for example, it makes it easier to begin to address that challenge. There are many tools for assisting with this such as filling out a life wheel.

3. Homework

There are many names for this, such as action steps, intentions, and “help-work” which is a particularly upbeat one I learned at ADDCA. It’s essential to keep careful track of the things you plan to do between sessions. This also looks different to different people. I personally use a notebook and reminder app. Whatever way works for you, use it to remember and stay aware of the actions you and your coach figure out together.

4. Ask for what you need

In the style of coaching I was taught, it is part of the coach’s job to assist in challenging the client the correct amount so they are launched forward and do not become overwhelmed. Figure out what this looks like for you and ask your coach to partner with you in planning it. I’ve found that answering quickly when asked about challenging myself leads to overwhelm or not challenging myself enough. I now give myself permission to pause and really consider myself, the week ahead, my energy, and other factors that impact my current ability to be challenged.

5. Detailed plans

When the action steps have been decided, be as detailed as needed in order to have the highest possibility of success. Also watch out for getting caught up in the planning as a way to avoid taking the first step. This is a behavior I’ve found myself in all too often.

6. Regularly reassess

Make sure to frequently check in on the progress toward goals. This will assist with awareness if something is stuck and impeding progress. I find it helps me to simply remember goals. I have so many plates I’m spinning all at once that it’s easy for one to fall without me noticing.

7. Celebrate successes

The other thing number 6 can do is highlight victories and successes. Actively look for those, during every coaching session and in between. Celebration can be a powerful force in momentum forward. When I check on the spinning plates and find none have fallen that is definitely cause for some celebratory dancing.

8. Prioritize self care

Particularly for those of us with ADHD, no one can achieve their full potential if they are not operating at peak performance. Start with Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and figure out what you need to get all your needs met. I review my considerable list of needs frequently and am always at my happiest and most efficient when they are more consistently met.

9. Take full advantage

Any given coach may offer a range of services in addition to coaching session. Ask about these and see if any would benefit you. As a coach, as long as boundaries are respected on both sides, I am always thrilled when a client utilizes all possible benefit I can be to them.

What allowed you to gain the most from an opportunity to change?

9 Things I Learned My First Year as a Coach

Although I technically only recently graduated ADDCA’s Basic program and finished training back in March, I consider myself to be a 1 year old coach. My teleclass leaders encouraged all of us to see ourselves as coaches as soon as we possibly could, even before we were “ready”. We weren't going to be coaches, we already were coaches. Here are just some of the things I've learned in that time.

1. Not everyone is ready for change

I firmly believe there is hope for every person to one day achieve the life they want. However, the truth is that, for some, that day has yet to dawn. Many, many factors go into a person being able and willing to create positive change. Timing can often be a huge one. I have found this fact assists me to have greater patience when I see those around me suffering, but not yet ready to change.

2. Unsolicited advice is useless

I wrote a whole post on this topic and every time I'm tempted and break this new rule I've made for myself I rediscover how utterly futile this behavior is.

3. Customized solutions

It is often said that everybody is different and it naturally follows that what works for one person won't work for another. This has been brought home to me over and over again as I work with clients. Things that make perfect sense to me are not meant to work for someone else. If they did, there would be no need for coaches, we co-explorers of the new and untried paths to success.

4. Don't fight your brain

So many people try and force things that simply are not the direction their brains are meant to go. One of the things I do as a coach is to assist people to look at the ways in which their brains naturally go and work with instead of against that flow.

5. Stages of ability

Even when a person is 80% whole (the assumption I was taught to make every time I meet with a client) there are levels or stages of ability that exist at any given time and in a vast range of areas. The most fantastic thing is that when a person is ready to change, it is possible to build on whatever levels they are currently on and rise higher, infinitely. We are all works in progress.

6. Legacies

I have struggled to simply function for most of my life. All the clutter associated with that pre-diagnosis fight concealed a miraculous fact from me: some people are actively working on what they will leave behind for future generations. This incredible concept stunned me when I was introduced to it late in my coach training. It is my ultimate goal to become a person like that someday.

7. Needs support productivity

I’d assumed most of my life that the things I wanted/needed (the definition was much fuzzier then) were nice bonuses of life. If I worked hard I'd earn the ability to relax and that the two came exclusively in that order. I have recently discovered that attending to needs (like play) are not only helpful for productivity but, when you have ADHD, essential. If I don't get proper sleep, play, and a number of other needs met, I am unable to be productive.

8. Follow your passion; It is not a pipe dream

Someone once told me that following what you love to make a living was nothing more than a Disney fantasy. I have a theory this belief may be unintentionally propagated by the movie industry. To make something normal it helps to include it in entertainment, however is it also communicating the idea that you can only follow your dreams if you are in a movie?

It definitely portrays the journey as shorter than it really is and sometimes as more comfortable. That montage set to Katy Perry’s Firework is actually representative of months, years, or even decades of living as no one is willing to live so you can live as no one is able to live.

I have come to know that this is not a fantasy, at least not for me.

9. The client does the work

If you had asked me a year ago who, in the coaching partnership, did the work, I'm not sure what I would have answered. I know the answer now, however. In the style of coaching I was taught, the coach doing the work for the client is as useful as a personal trainer hopping on a treadmill in the hopes that their client will lose weight. To be successful, the client does the work, both in sessions and between, and I am simply a facilitator.

What a fascinating journey 2016 was for me as a coach. I can't wait to find out what new revelations 2017 holds for me.

What did 2016 help you learn?

11 Questions That Changed My Life

Marilee Adams, Ph.D. is a leading expert on Question Thinking. Before I was introduced to her, and the power of questions at ADDCA, I had never considered how impactful the humble question could be. The style of coaching I was taught is powered by questions in the same way cars are powered by gasoline. I cannot imagine movement without it.

There are some questions that have impacted me positively more than others. The thoughts, revelations, and actions that sprang from them helped shape who I am today and assisted me in accomplishing everything I've achieved.

#1: “What is this emotion trying to tell me?”

I have learned that emotions can be viewed as messengers. They come to us to indicate something is seeking our attention. I always resolve issues faster when I ask myself this question.

#2: “When do I feel most at peace?”

This question is relatively new to me. It challenges my assumptions about what others say is needed for peace, because it is an intensely personal concept. I discovered the answer, right now, is “when I am most productive”. This has assisted me in motivating myself to do things that aren't fun for me.

#3: “What do I need?”

One of the more complex but vital questions I've ever been posed. Luckily I am almost always able to answer it, when I pause to ask.

#4: “What can I do without?”

Speaking of things that aren't fun. Answering this question, or rather discovering the answer when I continually make the choice to pursue running my own business instead of applying for a ‘real job’, has been one of the most challenging things I've ever done. That and truly coming to terms with the answers.

#5: “What is my definition of the difference between want and need?”

The vital word here is ‘my’, just like #2. It doesn't matter what others think. How do I define want and need? I've written blog after blog, chasing my answer.

#6: “Why am I doing this?”

Although ‘why’ can be interpreted as accusatory, I find it helpful. When I ask myself this question, I can examine where my energy is best spent. This is of importance to me especially because ADHD struggles with efficiency.

#7: “What can I put up with?”

Similar to #4, this question empowered me to choose, rather than play the victim in difficult situations, it continues to help me face the choices I have, who to spend my time with, and what qualities I value and which harm me.

#8: “What do I require in someone I invest time in?”

Also on the same theme as #4 and #7, the idea that I could define what I required in any type of relationship came as a complete revelation to me. Even now it seems selfish, almost like I should be “grateful” for any social interaction. However, it has empowered me to enact boundaries and seek out healthy relationships.

#9: “What is the most important quality in a partner, for me?”

Again, this question centers around my opinion being of utmost importance, as it pertains to my life. Others say gifts of flowers, chocolates, and jewelry are important, and for a time that opinion clouded my view. Now I've examined what truly is most important to me. Flowers didn't make the cut.

#10: “What is and is not important to me?”

This is another concept I had a relatively easy time answering, once I paused to ask it, and it's empowered me to be loyal to the true answers.

#11: “Why do others deserve kindness and not you?”

This question came from a dear friend and hit me like a ton of bricks. I still have no satisfactory answer, mostly because there is none, but the awareness I’ve gained has been invaluable to me.

When we ask questions, we can open a door to knowledge. Truth sets me free to build the life I need.

What questions have changed your life?

The Need in the Want

In the ongoing Great Debate about needs versus wants, I've seen heavy emphasis put on the ‘need’ side. This is logical as needs are of vital importance to human beings in order to exist and exist happily. However, what information might be gained if we turned our attention to the wants?

I've developed a technique for myself that was originally designed to help me feel less wistful whenever I saw something I wanted. The idea is to write down the thing I want (for example let’s use a houseboat). Then I write down the need behind the want (in this case it was fewer possessions and the ability to store and manage them all easily). Last, I write down how I could meet the need with the abilities I have (I have the ability to give things away and work to manage my storage more efficiently). The by-product of all this was uncovering the need in the want.

This concept and technique gives the power back to me, similarly to my blog about active choosing. When I've identified how I can accomplish what I really want/need, I no longer have any feelings or judgements about anything external. If I want better storage so much, I need to go ahead and make that happen! It's no one’s responsibility but mine to create what I need.

What needs might be lurking in your wants?

An Exploration of Need Versus Want

People often say “I need this” and that is perfectly valid. Every human being has many needs. Those needs may be difficult to define, articulate, and get met, but they exist.

Do we ever stop to question what it is we need those things to do? This is why another way I define the concept of “need”, as opposed to want, is the word “required”. In order to ski, a strong argument can be made that a person needs skis. They may want expensive skis, they may have an easier time skiing with a certain type of ski, and they may not even want to ski at all, but they definitely need skis in order to ski.

So when we say “I need this”, I would want to examine that. The examination might allow us to determine if that desire is a need or a want.

I often say “I need sleep”. That's a vague idea. What I really mean is “I need to have high quality sleep, for approximately nine hours, beginning at 10PM in order to be most productive in life.” So, logically, if I wasn't aiming to be productive, I wouldn't have this need. This need is in aid of productivity. I want to be productive because I need to financially support myself. For that goal I need to be productive enough to sustain the amount of work that allows for a supporting income.

I believe this is a lot of what coaches do. They look for the wheat germ of the goals and needs and assist in separating it from the chaff of everything else in life. In order to help determine what is a need versus a want, it can help to first know what it is you need that thing to accomplish.

What do you need?

The Paradox of Change

It is relatively easy for humans to maintain the status quo. We like things to remain the same. There's even a section about that in the fundamental level of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Human beings need a certain amount of homeostasis. Even ADHD brains who are essentially hardwired to love change.

It occurred to me recently that the reason or catalyst for positive change is a bit of a paradox. It’s very rare and difficult to force somebody to change, particularly if they aren't aware of or won't acknowledge there's a problem. However, without others to reflect things to us, lots of us would have no knowledge of anything amiss. Like the frog in the pot. The bubbles are rising all around us, but because it happened so gradually, we fail to notice.

On the other hand, it is incredibly difficult and unlikely that anyone will change, even if they are aware of the problem, without the help of any other person. Support of loved ones is often a crucial piece of change for the better. And yet, if others supporting us is the only piece, and we lack motivation, awareness, opportunity, and intent, then change is very unlikely to occur.

Human beings sure are funny, aren't we? And the above paradox doesn't even begin to touch on the conundrum of what even constitutes a problem! One person’s pig sty is another person’s immaculate palace. Though to me, the real yardstick is functionality. Is the person in question doing what they want and need to do? And the answer to that is incredibly complex.

What did it take for you to change?

6 Challenges of the Changing Seasons for ADHD (and 3 Steps to Overcome Them)

When it comes to the ways that ADHD affects people’s lives, there are so many parts missing from public knowledge. One of the ways not widely known has to do with changing seasons, particularly when temperatures change and when we move from leisure to work. With the fall comes a plethora of stumbling blocks. Of course many of these are more extreme the further north you go, but any change can throw our unique brain wiring for a loop.

1. Change in Routine

Moving from summer vacation or a summer job back to school, or from a relaxed routine to a more inflexible one can cause overwhelm for anyone. For ADHD, of course, it can be devastating. We are so resistant and resentful of routine and structure that the demands of a new season can impact us hugely.

2. Different Clothing

Where are the hats and coats? Do your boots still fit? Why is this sweater so itchy? From the practical challenge of finding and organizing the clothing needed for cooler weather to the issues of sensory sensitivity, fall can be rife with pitfalls to do with all those extra layers. To say nothing of the extra time it takes to dress, exponentially increased with more and younger children.

3. Sickness

To make matters worse, sickness of varying degrees and types increase when the weather gets cooler. This is just one more thing on our minds, whether trying to avoid catching something or having to perform regular (and already challenging) daily tasks while not feeling well.

4. Light Levels

Depending on where you are on the planet, changing seasons can cause light levels to change at different times. Here in northern North America we are having our sunlight decrease. That, in addition to cloudy days and more clothing, decreases our exposure to the sun and vitamin D. This can cause or exacerbate all kinds of problems.

5. Sitting Around Inside

When temperatures drop it becomes harder to get the exercise that can help everyone and ADHD in particular. All the challenges I’ve already mentioned can contribute to this.

6. Gearing Up for Holidays

In this last third of the calendar year we are faced with many holidays, depending on what we celebrate. Remembering what is needed for each event or even remembering what days affect businesses, if we don’t celebrate them, can be incredibly challenging.

So what can we do in the face of all these things? Not every strategy will work for every person. That being said, I have found the following to be generally helpful principles.

Unable to find the artist for this gorgeous graphic of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.

Step 1: Back to Basics

Consider Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. When things get overwhelming or fall apart, start at the bottom of the pyramid (food, sleep, hydration) and work your way up. Nobody can perform tasks at their best if they are lacking basic human needs.

Step 2: Importance

When we are considering the demands of an ADHD life, something that stumps us time and again are decisions and prioritization. Not knowing what is top priority can sink us into a miasma of paralysis and despair. Find a way to prioritize the things needing to get done. Do whatever you need to in order to accomplish this. Use a friend as a body double and bounce ideas off them, talk to a counselor or a coach, use an app that works for you.

Step 3: Everything Else

Whatever is leftover from steps 1 and 2 that is still tripping you up, form into a question. For example, if the problem is a particularly picky eater in the family making mealtime stressful and time consuming, the question could be “How can I feed a picky eater nutritiously?” If you suspect the challenge is related to ADHD, try and include that somewhere in the question as solutions for ADHD challenges often look very different to those of different brain types. Google the question with a notebook handy and jot down any and all ideas and information pertinent to your situation. The idea is that nobody can tell you how to fix your problem because they cannot know all the details. So googling the problem and seeing how others handled it can help spark ideas that will help. Always try and keep an open mind. If the results run out of useful information, try rewording the question.

Remember: No one is alone. Every day there are people going through similar problems. By sharing our ideas we generate hope.

What unique challenges do you face as the seasons change?

The Needs of the Many

Lately, whenever I hear about any tragedy, in which human choice played a part, I always experience two distinct things. First, naturally, I feel sadness for the suffering of the victims, their families, and humanity at large for the blow we all must suffer when basic human rights are violated. The second thing I feel is curiosity: what did that individual need, that they were not getting, that caused them to make this choice?

Every living thing on this planet has needs. Humans often confuse needs with wants, and therein lies part of the problem. I differentiate them by duration. In my experience, of myself, a want will fade with time and a need will remain, or even increase, with neglect. When a human’s needs are not met, they go about trying to get them met, sometimes in destructive ways.

What wrongs were perpetrated in the past that contributed to violence in the present? What word or deed could have healed a hurt that caused blood to be spilled? Who first taught the lesson of hate that, snowball-like, gained momentum and power, eventually destroying many lives?

Needs left unmet can cause harm on a much smaller scale. Sleep deprivation can cause a new mother to snap at a salesperson. Low blood sugar can cause a customer to be impatient with a waitress. We are all, of course, always responsible for our choices, but we are also affected by our needs.

Self care, as I have said in the past, can seem selfish. Considered in this light, however, it may be seen as an act of charity and kindness to the world at large. When we take care of ourselves, our needs, we have more opportunity to treat the other people in our sphere of influence well.

What need of yours could you meet to benefit humanity?