9 Ways to Flourish Through Coaching

It took me a while to remember that the coach who became the reason I pursued this path was not my first ADHD coach. I’d worked with another coach some years before, but the memory hadn’t stuck with me because I’d gained little benefit from the experience. I’ve realised this is because I approached the second coaching relationship with a completely different set of attitudes and intentions then the first. Here are some of the things I’d advise anyone who wishes to gain full benefit from coaching to do.

1. Come prepared

From the very first session, and each session after that, figure out what it is you want to work on with your coach. A great way to do this is to compile a list of topics and challenges before your first session so you have ample material that will pull you toward your goals. You can also watch for topics throughout the week, in between sessions. I found after a while I began to see exactly what I wanted out of certain topics, such as a plan or clarifying what was tripping me up in a particular area.

2. Be aware

Knowing where you are in each area of your life is awesome for getting a jump-start on changing the areas that most need attention. When you know you have a tendency to neglect your physical health, for example, it makes it easier to begin to address that challenge. There are many tools for assisting with this such as filling out a life wheel.

3. Homework

There are many names for this, such as action steps, intentions, and “help-work” which is a particularly upbeat one I learned at ADDCA. It’s essential to keep careful track of the things you plan to do between sessions. This also looks different to different people. I personally use a notebook and reminder app. Whatever way works for you, use it to remember and stay aware of the actions you and your coach figure out together.

4. Ask for what you need

In the style of coaching I was taught, it is part of the coach’s job to assist in challenging the client the correct amount so they are launched forward and do not become overwhelmed. Figure out what this looks like for you and ask your coach to partner with you in planning it. I’ve found that answering quickly when asked about challenging myself leads to overwhelm or not challenging myself enough. I now give myself permission to pause and really consider myself, the week ahead, my energy, and other factors that impact my current ability to be challenged.

5. Detailed plans

When the action steps have been decided, be as detailed as needed in order to have the highest possibility of success. Also watch out for getting caught up in the planning as a way to avoid taking the first step. This is a behavior I’ve found myself in all too often.

6. Regularly reassess

Make sure to frequently check in on the progress toward goals. This will assist with awareness if something is stuck and impeding progress. I find it helps me to simply remember goals. I have so many plates I’m spinning all at once that it’s easy for one to fall without me noticing.

7. Celebrate successes

The other thing number 6 can do is highlight victories and successes. Actively look for those, during every coaching session and in between. Celebration can be a powerful force in momentum forward. When I check on the spinning plates and find none have fallen that is definitely cause for some celebratory dancing.

8. Prioritize self care

Particularly for those of us with ADHD, no one can achieve their full potential if they are not operating at peak performance. Start with Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and figure out what you need to get all your needs met. I review my considerable list of needs frequently and am always at my happiest and most efficient when they are more consistently met.

9. Take full advantage

Any given coach may offer a range of services in addition to coaching session. Ask about these and see if any would benefit you. As a coach, as long as boundaries are respected on both sides, I am always thrilled when a client utilizes all possible benefit I can be to them.

What allowed you to gain the most from an opportunity to change?

Why I Gave Up Advice

Any time we have a problem there are always scads of people lining up to give us advice on how to solve it. Even if we didn't ask, even if we don't even really agree we have a problem, even if we are really quite happy, thank you very much, and really do not understand what the supposed problem is. Nevertheless, there is no shortage of advice.

When I went through ADHD coach training, I came to realize just how useless this practice really is. I know from personal experience that this unsolicited advice can range from mildly irritating to downright harmful, in certain instances.

I believe one reason it is so pointless is that any one of us cannot possibly fully grasp the experience of another. However well we know that other person, there is no way we can completely know what is in their head and heart. Therefore, any solution we come up with for their problem has a random chance of being useful because it came out of our own experience, not theirs.

In coaching, I strive to assist in clarifying, as fully as possible, all the facets and features of any given challenge. This can allow the person facing the challenge to create their own solution, making it as unique as they are. And this solution is almost always far more effective than any suggestion of anyone else’s (even mine) because it originated in the person who truly knows best.

An exception, naturally, is the topic of ADHD and its various symptoms. When it comes to working with our ADHD, a lot of us feel helpless and struggling in vain to find anything that will work. In these instances seeking the advice of a book on ADHD, a resource website such as TotallyADD.com, or a trained ADHD coach can be very valuable. However even these proffered strategies will increase in value once they are tailored and tweaked to fit the unique ADHD life.

So this is why I decided I would cease giving unsolicited advice, to anyone, not just my clients. I was wasting my breath and possibly annoying the person I intended to help.

And then a very unexpected thing happened. As soon as I made this promise to myself, friends and family started asking for my advice on specific topics. It was like the universe was having a great chuckle at my expense. And what can you really do at that point? So I laughed along.

One person asked me how I personally handle a specific situation, and I said “Do you mean in a practical sense or an emotional sense?” They told me that question was far more valuable than any of the advice that followed because it helped them explore their own conundrum further. Also the question beginning “How do you handle...” is particularly good for advice because it allows the other to simply consider and learn without there being any implication that it will definitely be helpful or relevant.

Then of course there are those verbal processors. What we need more than anything when facing a challenge is the time to get our thoughts from inside our brains, out our mouths, and to the world. Matt Smith’s Doctor Who once said “I don't know what the plan is yet; I haven't stopped talking.”

What advice do you give?

Cooking Videos Demystifying Life

Lately I’ve been seeing quite a few cooking videos on my social media feeds. They are mesmerizing and make me itch to get into the kitchen even more often than I do - I love cooking. I’ve been wondering what it is about them that makes me so happy, other than the obvious satisfying imagery and potential for delicious meals in my future.

I came to the conclusion recently that they serve a dire need that’s been irritating my subconscious for years: the demystification of cooking for more people. In the videos, the chefs are implied to be ordinary people, they often spill ingredients, and the preparation is never “perfect”. It simply works and produces tantalizing results.

Food was never a mystery for me. At a young age my persistent and impatient hunger demanded I dive into its preparation and construction. I did see, however, that this is not how many others view cooking. Somewhat because it was made to be unattainable, something that only professionals and mothers could do.

The same can be said for many other aspects of life. When something is mysterious, it can be viewed as more difficult than it really is. I feel strongly that stripping away the mystery is one way to make life easier. This is part of what I do as a coach. I assist people to demystify their own workings so life can be made easier.

People have complimented me on my punctuality and I have been quick to demystify that, as well. My family were chronically late. It was a running joke among our friends and family, some of whom had similar habits. So when I got a job that required me to ride a bus, I either learned to be punctual, even 10-20 minutes early, or was 30-45 minutes late to my shift.

My current system includes the calendar on my smartphone, connected to my smartwatch, a daily routine of checking the calendar each morning, then setting alarms for each item on my schedule. This is what is required to make me on time. Nothing mysterious about it, except years of trial and error, a lot of education on ADHD, and iron-clad rules holding it all in place.

What mysteries remain to be dashed?