11 Questions That Changed My Life

Marilee Adams, Ph.D. is a leading expert on Question Thinking. Before I was introduced to her, and the power of questions at ADDCA, I had never considered how impactful the humble question could be. The style of coaching I was taught is powered by questions in the same way cars are powered by gasoline. I cannot imagine movement without it.

There are some questions that have impacted me positively more than others. The thoughts, revelations, and actions that sprang from them helped shape who I am today and assisted me in accomplishing everything I've achieved.

#1: “What is this emotion trying to tell me?”

I have learned that emotions can be viewed as messengers. They come to us to indicate something is seeking our attention. I always resolve issues faster when I ask myself this question.

#2: “When do I feel most at peace?”

This question is relatively new to me. It challenges my assumptions about what others say is needed for peace, because it is an intensely personal concept. I discovered the answer, right now, is “when I am most productive”. This has assisted me in motivating myself to do things that aren't fun for me.

#3: “What do I need?”

One of the more complex but vital questions I've ever been posed. Luckily I am almost always able to answer it, when I pause to ask.

#4: “What can I do without?”

Speaking of things that aren't fun. Answering this question, or rather discovering the answer when I continually make the choice to pursue running my own business instead of applying for a ‘real job’, has been one of the most challenging things I've ever done. That and truly coming to terms with the answers.

#5: “What is my definition of the difference between want and need?”

The vital word here is ‘my’, just like #2. It doesn't matter what others think. How do I define want and need? I've written blog after blog, chasing my answer.

#6: “Why am I doing this?”

Although ‘why’ can be interpreted as accusatory, I find it helpful. When I ask myself this question, I can examine where my energy is best spent. This is of importance to me especially because ADHD struggles with efficiency.

#7: “What can I put up with?”

Similar to #4, this question empowered me to choose, rather than play the victim in difficult situations, it continues to help me face the choices I have, who to spend my time with, and what qualities I value and which harm me.

#8: “What do I require in someone I invest time in?”

Also on the same theme as #4 and #7, the idea that I could define what I required in any type of relationship came as a complete revelation to me. Even now it seems selfish, almost like I should be “grateful” for any social interaction. However, it has empowered me to enact boundaries and seek out healthy relationships.

#9: “What is the most important quality in a partner, for me?”

Again, this question centers around my opinion being of utmost importance, as it pertains to my life. Others say gifts of flowers, chocolates, and jewelry are important, and for a time that opinion clouded my view. Now I've examined what truly is most important to me. Flowers didn't make the cut.

#10: “What is and is not important to me?”

This is another concept I had a relatively easy time answering, once I paused to ask it, and it's empowered me to be loyal to the true answers.

#11: “Why do others deserve kindness and not you?”

This question came from a dear friend and hit me like a ton of bricks. I still have no satisfactory answer, mostly because there is none, but the awareness I’ve gained has been invaluable to me.

When we ask questions, we can open a door to knowledge. Truth sets me free to build the life I need.

What questions have changed your life?

A Relationship with Oneself

The word “relationship” has come to mean romantic connections in our culture, generally speaking. We do, however, have many other types of relationships. Family, friends, colleagues, classmates, all different, all varied in their management.

There is one relationship type that I fear we forget, and, if we do remember, neglect. That is the relationship with yourself. Olivia Penpraze said “Remember yourself as a little girl, she is counting on you to protect her.” How many of us give thought or effort to this protection and care?

Many people have “best friends”, people they confide in, rely on for advice, and in whom they have implicit trust. We treat our best friends very well and with a great deal of kindness. We encourage them, help them see their strengths and not dwell on their weaknesses. What contrast might we find if we compare our compassion toward that beloved person and toward ourselves?

An important element in any kind of relationship is trust. Anyone with ADHD can tell you it's very difficult to trust yourself when you are constantly doing things you know aren't helpful or even things you are unable to explain. So how can there be trust in that relationship?

Rewards are another stumbling block. If we promise ourselves a reward for some task and don't deliver it right away, or worse don't deliver it at all, the promise of reward ceases to be at all effective because there is no trust.

It takes time, but it is possible to regain this trust in ourselves. I believe the shape of what will garner this trust will look different for every person. The basic idea to regain trust is to promise something and then, no matter what happens, deliver it. At first, of course, the distrust will remain. Over time, however, the brain can learn that change is, in fact, occurring. What we promise does come to pass.

I wrote a blog post about motivating myself with a movie. The update on that experiment is that I entirely failed to reward myself with the movie. I lost faith in myself through that. This would not have happened if I had watched the movie. It seems a small price to pay.

Nothing is perfect, obviously, and of course sometimes life will prevent us from following through on things. The idea is to be as consistent as possible, and not give into the inner-nay-sayer and decide, after the fact, that we don't actually deserve that reward after all.

How is your relationship with yourself?

Who Says? (An examination of norms)

Most people grow up “just knowing” certain things. We learn things from the cultures we inhabit that become ingrained so deeply in us that we often do not remember the exact origins. They are undercurrents, stemming from family, from society, from social groups. They are also very hard to ignore.

They can range from deeply harmful to neutral to helpful, depending on the specific item, the person, and the circumstance. One I have always loved is in my family we always try and make something before buying it. “Oh I can make that, and for a fraction of the price.” I assumed everyone was like that.

Other ideas can be less useful. Like the ideas that universal problems have universal solutions. Very few people are born with the tools to handle all of life’s problems. We often must learn our own unique ways to deal, especially when ADHD is involved. However different is often suspect, to other people, and even to ourselves.

“If you have trouble managing money, just make a budget and you’ll be fine.” Sure, budgeting can be a powerful tool for money management. This does not mean it works for everyone, in every circumstance, in every stage of life. Assuming it will work for you, and conversely if it does not there is something “wrong” with you, can cause huge problems. Self esteem, emotional, relationship, and, obviously, financial.

So, exactly who says that you must do it that way? Who says the widely accepted solution will work for everyone? Who says certain activities or behaviors are only acceptable under a certain age? I don't know the answers to these questions, but I do know, and have witnessed countless times, that trying to force yourself into a shape that does not work, regardless of your brain chemistry or diagnosis, is harmful. Every. Single. Time.

I have found, the best solutions are the ones tailored specifically to the people using them. “Weird” or “unusual” are judgements sometimes applied to these unique solutions and are an unfortunate reality of throwing off “general knowledge” in favor of a custom-made path. These judgements can come from others or even ourselves.

For me, the first step in embracing these “unusual” solutions was ceasing to care what others think (as much). Once others’ opinions make less of an impact, the road to unique happiness stands more open and is easier to travel. The next step was knowledge/education. What other ideas and experiments were out there? What tidbits could I acquire, magpie-like, to slowly build whole frameworks for my life?

The result (and by no means the end of a journey) was very weird and strange (both terms used in pride) methods of living that are shaped specifically to me and that serve me in incredibly unique ways. It is a circumstance I never would have believed possible five years ago.

What preconceived notions are affecting your life?