A Relationship with Oneself

The word “relationship” has come to mean romantic connections in our culture, generally speaking. We do, however, have many other types of relationships. Family, friends, colleagues, classmates, all different, all varied in their management.

There is one relationship type that I fear we forget, and, if we do remember, neglect. That is the relationship with yourself. Olivia Penpraze said “Remember yourself as a little girl, she is counting on you to protect her.” How many of us give thought or effort to this protection and care?

Many people have “best friends”, people they confide in, rely on for advice, and in whom they have implicit trust. We treat our best friends very well and with a great deal of kindness. We encourage them, help them see their strengths and not dwell on their weaknesses. What contrast might we find if we compare our compassion toward that beloved person and toward ourselves?

An important element in any kind of relationship is trust. Anyone with ADHD can tell you it's very difficult to trust yourself when you are constantly doing things you know aren't helpful or even things you are unable to explain. So how can there be trust in that relationship?

Rewards are another stumbling block. If we promise ourselves a reward for some task and don't deliver it right away, or worse don't deliver it at all, the promise of reward ceases to be at all effective because there is no trust.

It takes time, but it is possible to regain this trust in ourselves. I believe the shape of what will garner this trust will look different for every person. The basic idea to regain trust is to promise something and then, no matter what happens, deliver it. At first, of course, the distrust will remain. Over time, however, the brain can learn that change is, in fact, occurring. What we promise does come to pass.

I wrote a blog post about motivating myself with a movie. The update on that experiment is that I entirely failed to reward myself with the movie. I lost faith in myself through that. This would not have happened if I had watched the movie. It seems a small price to pay.

Nothing is perfect, obviously, and of course sometimes life will prevent us from following through on things. The idea is to be as consistent as possible, and not give into the inner-nay-sayer and decide, after the fact, that we don't actually deserve that reward after all.

How is your relationship with yourself?

Gratitude for Discomfort

I have been incredibly lucky in my life. I am surrounded by very smart, kind, caring people, all of whom want to see me succeed and rejoice in my achievements, just as I rejoice in theirs. From birth I have received support and assistance that allowed me to live the way I chose, in the manner that best fit me.

I was spared some experiences that most ADHD individuals struggle with and suffer throughout their lives, before becoming diagnosed and treated. As a result however, at times I have doubted my diagnosis because I see those struggles in the lives of others and not in my own.

Recently, however, I was lucky enough to have experiences that proved to me that, in fact, my diagnosis is correct. I struggled with tasks that most people find simple and easy. The experiences ranged from uncomfortable to downright painful. I don't believe many people would understand crying over a business plan. People with ADHD would.

In the moment of suffering, it's hard to discover any kernel of truth or knowledge among the pain. Thinking back on it, however, I have realized how valuable these experiences have been. If I barely survived a 5 1/2 hour workshop by knitting throughout (it would take about 6 more workshops to finish my sweater) what must people like me have gone through in school 5 days a week for 12 years?

Empathy is a very powerful tool for connecting to people and gaining their trust, two essential skills for a coach. I have gained real-world knowledge that adds to my ability to empathize. For that I am grateful.

I wonder what other uncomfortable events and experiences could reveal knowledge and learning, if only I looked?

PokéBlog

There is a specific episode of Pokémon in season one of Indigo League that is remembered by many as a particularly touching example of the universe and its view of animals. In the episode, a Charmander, a fire Pokémon, is abandoned by its trainer out in the open. The main characters overhear the trainer commenting on this act of animal neglect and calling the Charmander “stupid”.

They react to this strongly partially because the information given on the Charmander is that if the flame at the tip of its tail goes out, it will die, and the area is experiencing a violent thunderstorm. After confronting the neglectful trainer, to no avail, they rush out into the, yes, dark and stormy night, to rescue the Pokémon. They are successful.

The overwhelmingly negative reaction to the situation by the main characters, who are themselves Pokémon trainers, was viewed by at least three generations of fans. The message, as I heard it, was that animals in our care are our responsibility. Further to that, they deserve our respect and caring for what they provide us.

In the case of Pokémon, it is of course a fictional world where the animals are caught or bred, then trained to engage in combat. The message is translatable to real life, however, and I believe it was heard and struck a chord with the (mostly) young viewers.

Is it any wonder vegetarianism and veganism are becoming more and more popular among the youth of the world?

Legacy

Whenever I attend an end of life ceremony, it invariably causes me to take stock of my own life. I hear the loved ones of the deceased speaking such tearful and heartfelt memories. They talk about gifts given that will linger on long past the departure of the physical presence.

What words will be spoken after I draw my final breath?

It's hard to assess with any real clarity how others feel about and perceive us. The smallest action, unknowingly taken, can have vast and rippling effects, completely hidden to the initiator. Some of the most impactful events cannot be expressed in words, and therefore go unsaid.

What words would I choose to be spoken?

Every person has their own unique set of values and traits. Highest on my list are things like kindness, love, compassion, acceptance. If I could select any traits to be remembered, it would be these. That everyone in my life felt some variation on those things that I hold most dear.

What power do we have over how we are remembered?

Perception is a tricky thing. No matter how hard we try, the image of us in the minds and lives of others is subject to their particular lens. The only power that remains to us is to live true to our internal compass. We will be valued by those who value the same things.

In memory of Gord Hope, 1954-2016