11 Questions That Changed My Life

Marilee Adams, Ph.D. is a leading expert on Question Thinking. Before I was introduced to her, and the power of questions at ADDCA, I had never considered how impactful the humble question could be. The style of coaching I was taught is powered by questions in the same way cars are powered by gasoline. I cannot imagine movement without it.

There are some questions that have impacted me positively more than others. The thoughts, revelations, and actions that sprang from them helped shape who I am today and assisted me in accomplishing everything I've achieved.

#1: “What is this emotion trying to tell me?”

I have learned that emotions can be viewed as messengers. They come to us to indicate something is seeking our attention. I always resolve issues faster when I ask myself this question.

#2: “When do I feel most at peace?”

This question is relatively new to me. It challenges my assumptions about what others say is needed for peace, because it is an intensely personal concept. I discovered the answer, right now, is “when I am most productive”. This has assisted me in motivating myself to do things that aren't fun for me.

#3: “What do I need?”

One of the more complex but vital questions I've ever been posed. Luckily I am almost always able to answer it, when I pause to ask.

#4: “What can I do without?”

Speaking of things that aren't fun. Answering this question, or rather discovering the answer when I continually make the choice to pursue running my own business instead of applying for a ‘real job’, has been one of the most challenging things I've ever done. That and truly coming to terms with the answers.

#5: “What is my definition of the difference between want and need?”

The vital word here is ‘my’, just like #2. It doesn't matter what others think. How do I define want and need? I've written blog after blog, chasing my answer.

#6: “Why am I doing this?”

Although ‘why’ can be interpreted as accusatory, I find it helpful. When I ask myself this question, I can examine where my energy is best spent. This is of importance to me especially because ADHD struggles with efficiency.

#7: “What can I put up with?”

Similar to #4, this question empowered me to choose, rather than play the victim in difficult situations, it continues to help me face the choices I have, who to spend my time with, and what qualities I value and which harm me.

#8: “What do I require in someone I invest time in?”

Also on the same theme as #4 and #7, the idea that I could define what I required in any type of relationship came as a complete revelation to me. Even now it seems selfish, almost like I should be “grateful” for any social interaction. However, it has empowered me to enact boundaries and seek out healthy relationships.

#9: “What is the most important quality in a partner, for me?”

Again, this question centers around my opinion being of utmost importance, as it pertains to my life. Others say gifts of flowers, chocolates, and jewelry are important, and for a time that opinion clouded my view. Now I've examined what truly is most important to me. Flowers didn't make the cut.

#10: “What is and is not important to me?”

This is another concept I had a relatively easy time answering, once I paused to ask it, and it's empowered me to be loyal to the true answers.

#11: “Why do others deserve kindness and not you?”

This question came from a dear friend and hit me like a ton of bricks. I still have no satisfactory answer, mostly because there is none, but the awareness I’ve gained has been invaluable to me.

When we ask questions, we can open a door to knowledge. Truth sets me free to build the life I need.

What questions have changed your life?

The Need in the Want

In the ongoing Great Debate about needs versus wants, I've seen heavy emphasis put on the ‘need’ side. This is logical as needs are of vital importance to human beings in order to exist and exist happily. However, what information might be gained if we turned our attention to the wants?

I've developed a technique for myself that was originally designed to help me feel less wistful whenever I saw something I wanted. The idea is to write down the thing I want (for example let’s use a houseboat). Then I write down the need behind the want (in this case it was fewer possessions and the ability to store and manage them all easily). Last, I write down how I could meet the need with the abilities I have (I have the ability to give things away and work to manage my storage more efficiently). The by-product of all this was uncovering the need in the want.

This concept and technique gives the power back to me, similarly to my blog about active choosing. When I've identified how I can accomplish what I really want/need, I no longer have any feelings or judgements about anything external. If I want better storage so much, I need to go ahead and make that happen! It's no one’s responsibility but mine to create what I need.

What needs might be lurking in your wants?

The Choice is Yours

The Twelfth Doctor of popular UK television show Doctor Who, played by Peter Capaldi, once said “Sometimes the only choices you have are bad ones. But you still have to choose.” This is an incredibly powerful statement, in its truth and in its connotations. There is also great power in the act of choosing.

There have been times in my life, as in every life, when I was faced with exactly this kind of choice. Where, as far as I saw at the time, and with the abilities I had then, I was limited to “bad choices”. Everything seemed to have a negative outcome, so it came down to figuring out which one resulted in the lesser amount.

It was only once I began to be aware of and utilise a certain mindset that I became able to really deal with and accept those situations and their outcomes. That mindset is about the act of choosing. Recognising that we do always have choices, that they sometimes just suck, and yet still moving forward.

Other options include refusing to choose, playing the victim of circumstance, wallowing in self pity, and blaming others. I've probably defaulted to every one of these options in the past and I do not recommend them. None of them set out a clear or short path out of the negative circumstances because they all involve delay in accepting the truth.

When we look clearly and honestly at all our options, weigh them, then take responsibility for the one we put into action, then we are closer to accepting the consequences. We know we chose the best option, even out of a detrimental selection, and it was our choice to enact it. We weren't forced. The power is 100% with us. The consequences will happen anyway, at least this way we are in charge and have the power.

What choice could you make that would empower you?

ADHD During the Holidays

Whenever I attend an ADHD support group meeting during the holidays, I know with grim certainty what I'm going to hear. Even just thinking about it, my heart sinks and I wish I had a magic wand to prevent the pain I know will be occurring.

Life is difficult enough for people with ADHD, and the holiday season, while delightfully enjoyable to some, brings fresh challenges that complicate things more. Organisational, financial, physical health problems, and emotional wounds reopened are just some of the things that cause us to feel, at best, overwhelmed, and at worst a deep sense of dread.

Tom Magliozzi famously said “Happiness equals reality minus expectations.” This is often true around the holidays when shining childhood memories or visions from the silver screen inflate what we expect from the season.

So how do we deal with all these pitfalls? My method is awareness and proactivity.

My family and I utilise a strategy which encompasses both these principles. At the beginning of the holiday season, we sit down and plan the events and activities that truly “make Christmas” for us. When I was younger it was important to find out if I wanted the Christmas tree put up before or after my birthday.

I also do this privately. I examine my expectations around the holidays and take steps to fulfil my own desires. I plan time for every little thing I want to happen, because I know it won't come to pass otherwise.

Not all our desires are technically in our control to meet, however. We may expect others to provide certain things for us. This of course is not in our control, unless we state openly and categorically what it is we want given to us, for example. I've used this technique with my ADHD family before. I traded surprise for more confidence in the usefulness of my presents.

What about when requesting isn't possible? In cases like this, the only remedy for me is awareness. Only when I acknowledge what is and is not likely to happen can I let go and enjoy what will be.

Awareness can also assist with those people we see over the holidays who may not “get it” when it comes to us and our ADHD. The challenges I share with my fellow ADHD brains simply make no sense to many neurotypical people, and I need to be ok with that.

And, as much as it chills me to contemplate, I may need to engage in... Small talk. Even the words make me shudder. Small talk is one of those things that people with ADHD consistently report loathing. However, awareness of this unfortunate reality allows me to gear up and prepare ahead of time, instead of unconsciously expecting something else that will inevitably be disappointed.

It's taken me 25 years to learn that my expectations can only be met by me. This seems like a very long time. However, it is half the time it has taken others, thanks to the increased awareness and education about ADHD. It has also enabled me to strive to empower others to take control of their happiness through their expectations. That is something I am grateful for.

What does the holiday season look like to you?

Routine Versus Spontaneity

The words “routine” and “spontaneity” seem to be antonyms. What could be more opposite than “a sequence of actions regularly followed” and “a sudden inner impulse without premeditation”? To me, however, they are not as dissimilar as they first appear.

I have already written about the role routine plays in my life and the benefits I, and others with ADHD, gain when utilising it. Another benefit is that of freeing me to live in the moment. My routines are the foundation on which I build my life. The “sequence of actions” that make up my routines all contribute in some small but fundamental way to me being able to function, whether at all or optimally. If my bed isn’t made, my dishes washed, my clothes clean and put away, I would not be able to act on any “inner impulse”.

This paradox can be likened to a building. It’s a lot more fun to pick out curtains and paint the trim than it is to plan the basement and hammer together the studs and joists for the walls and floors. However, curtains and trim in the middle of an empty lot gets cold and wet, eventually, and does not allow anyone to have much fun.

Balance, as I’ve said again and again, seems to be the key. Routine allows for spontaneity but neither in isolation create joy. This is the careful union of forces I will continue to strive to achieve.

What allows you to create spontaneous joy?

An Exploration of Need Versus Want

People often say “I need this” and that is perfectly valid. Every human being has many needs. Those needs may be difficult to define, articulate, and get met, but they exist.

Do we ever stop to question what it is we need those things to do? This is why another way I define the concept of “need”, as opposed to want, is the word “required”. In order to ski, a strong argument can be made that a person needs skis. They may want expensive skis, they may have an easier time skiing with a certain type of ski, and they may not even want to ski at all, but they definitely need skis in order to ski.

So when we say “I need this”, I would want to examine that. The examination might allow us to determine if that desire is a need or a want.

I often say “I need sleep”. That's a vague idea. What I really mean is “I need to have high quality sleep, for approximately nine hours, beginning at 10PM in order to be most productive in life.” So, logically, if I wasn't aiming to be productive, I wouldn't have this need. This need is in aid of productivity. I want to be productive because I need to financially support myself. For that goal I need to be productive enough to sustain the amount of work that allows for a supporting income.

I believe this is a lot of what coaches do. They look for the wheat germ of the goals and needs and assist in separating it from the chaff of everything else in life. In order to help determine what is a need versus a want, it can help to first know what it is you need that thing to accomplish.

What do you need?

What Intellect is Not

I recently had a dear friend say to me “I'm continually amazed that anyone is able to communicate at all. Every word is a translation because of the specific and unique meaning we have for them.” I completely agree. Someone’s use of any given word can confuse or even insult depending on their personal meaning.

Not even a dictionary is any help with this issue. English is a continuously shifting and changing thing. It is usage altered every day; a moving target.

A word I find extremely frustrating in this regard is “intelligence” and its synonyms. This word has so many widespread incorrect meanings and usage that it may one day actually change to mean them. Then we’ll have to come up with another word.

A lot of people with ADHD are told they are stupid. This is for all sorts of reasons, one being a commonly held misconception about intelligence: that intellectual capacity is either synonymous with or at least always accompanied by an excellent memory. If someone has a poor memory, so says common wisdom, they cannot possibly be smart.

This is clearly not the case. Having a good memory does not mean the person has the ability to utilize the information retained and having poor recall does not preclude it.

It is related to the erroneous idea that a large vocabulary is an indicator of intelligence. I've heard it said that a person needs complex language in order to express complex ideas. That assumes that if someone is intelligent they are able to articulate it. How often has someone had an idea they simply lacked the language to express? Even with a large and complex vocabulary. That does not mean the intelligence is less, it simply means others cannot experience it.

Another frustrating phenomenon of mistaken intelligence was personified in an ad for theSkimm.com, a newsletter that sends the latest world headlines to your email every morning. Their tagline “TheSkimm makes it easier to be smarter.” while pithy, is almost entirely incorrect. Being informed or aware of current events does not make you smart. I'd even argue the opposite. If someone had a gift for a specific topic or area, are they best served spreading their energy and time across a wide area? I don't think they are.

When theSkimm.com invited me to sign up for their newsletter, the decline button was labeled “No thanks, I prefer to be miserable in the morning.” I guess they've never heard of a news holiday and don't know that if I subscribed to them that would in fact be what would make me miserable in the morning.

All of this does not even begin to touch on the different kinds of intelligence. Social, emotional, mechanical, academic, and others that simply do not have labels yet.

I hope we can begin to look for, celebrate, and utilize the intellect in our fellow humans. We as a species need all the smarts we can get.