ADHD During the Holidays

Whenever I attend an ADHD support group meeting during the holidays, I know with grim certainty what I'm going to hear. Even just thinking about it, my heart sinks and I wish I had a magic wand to prevent the pain I know will be occurring.

Life is difficult enough for people with ADHD, and the holiday season, while delightfully enjoyable to some, brings fresh challenges that complicate things more. Organisational, financial, physical health problems, and emotional wounds reopened are just some of the things that cause us to feel, at best, overwhelmed, and at worst a deep sense of dread.

Tom Magliozzi famously said “Happiness equals reality minus expectations.” This is often true around the holidays when shining childhood memories or visions from the silver screen inflate what we expect from the season.

So how do we deal with all these pitfalls? My method is awareness and proactivity.

My family and I utilise a strategy which encompasses both these principles. At the beginning of the holiday season, we sit down and plan the events and activities that truly “make Christmas” for us. When I was younger it was important to find out if I wanted the Christmas tree put up before or after my birthday.

I also do this privately. I examine my expectations around the holidays and take steps to fulfil my own desires. I plan time for every little thing I want to happen, because I know it won't come to pass otherwise.

Not all our desires are technically in our control to meet, however. We may expect others to provide certain things for us. This of course is not in our control, unless we state openly and categorically what it is we want given to us, for example. I've used this technique with my ADHD family before. I traded surprise for more confidence in the usefulness of my presents.

What about when requesting isn't possible? In cases like this, the only remedy for me is awareness. Only when I acknowledge what is and is not likely to happen can I let go and enjoy what will be.

Awareness can also assist with those people we see over the holidays who may not “get it” when it comes to us and our ADHD. The challenges I share with my fellow ADHD brains simply make no sense to many neurotypical people, and I need to be ok with that.

And, as much as it chills me to contemplate, I may need to engage in... Small talk. Even the words make me shudder. Small talk is one of those things that people with ADHD consistently report loathing. However, awareness of this unfortunate reality allows me to gear up and prepare ahead of time, instead of unconsciously expecting something else that will inevitably be disappointed.

It's taken me 25 years to learn that my expectations can only be met by me. This seems like a very long time. However, it is half the time it has taken others, thanks to the increased awareness and education about ADHD. It has also enabled me to strive to empower others to take control of their happiness through their expectations. That is something I am grateful for.

What does the holiday season look like to you?

Small Bits of Happiness

There are so many theories on happiness. Just so incredibly many. I tend to go with the ones backed by science and my own experience.

Small amounts of happiness spread out over time are considerably more beneficial to mental health than large amounts of happiness once in awhile. This seems like common sense, since it was presented to me in that way. Though, like so many things, it is way easier said than done.

I think this is partly because of what our culture finds “acceptable” in terms of self-care. Vacations are a generally accepted form of self-care, and those are usually big, and infrequent. Self-care that happens often can often be viewed, erroneously, as selfish and outside of what is needed.

One way to assist with increasing these little pieces of happiness is to schedule self-care into your day/week.

Another is to insert it in other creative ways.

I love receiving messages first thing when I wake up. I subscribed to Notes from the Universe for this reason. And if you’re like me, you probably have a 99+ Watch Later YouTube playlist. I decided to combine these things.

Through the automated text service Remindr you can send yourself emails (as well as texts/calls) at certain times. Copy the link to a video from the Watch Later playlist into an email, one per day/weekday, and watch the video when it arrives in the morning. Laughter is a great way to give that little boost of energy needed to pop out of bed. Just make sure you’re not at work if you have NSFW videos in the playlist.

The other great thing about this strategy is I completely forget what’s in those emails by the time they arrive so it’s like a little lottery of novelty in my day. Novelty is fantastic for ADHD because it helps us produce dopamine.

What small bits of happiness can you accumulate?

How I Learned Not To Care What Other People Think

It is often said that one path to happiness is to cease to care about the opinion of others. We are told if we can shed every word, not letting any judgment of anyone else penetrate our hearts and minds, that we will be released from a heavy burden.

I do not claim to be perfect, or the best at anything, or to have found universal harmony or happiness. I have, however, learned to discount 90% of what others think and say about my life and choices. I can attest that it is incredibly freeing and disposes of a lot of useless stress.

The majority of this skill is comprised of what others think about my appearance. I've been on the heavy side my entire life (at 1 month old family, friends, and my doctor thought I was 3 months) and this used to cause me embarrassment and shame. I've never been one to follow fashion, and when that concept was explained to me in my middle teens I began to feel self-concious of my clothing as well.

The first layer was theatre. There are a lot of unique people in theatre. I was shown that they, almost to a stage-hand, did not need to have the approval of others to be happy. This overwhelming agreement on a subject built on the foundation of my homeschooling upbringing, also a social group comprised of unique individuals unconcerned with the opinion of the world.

The second layer was live action role play. Yet another group of very unique people who could not care less about the opinions of others. The group I joined gathered in a public park every Sunday and sometimes walked or bussed home in their “garb” or costumes. At first I was somewhat reluctant to fully engage in a sport which, at its basic level, is all about running around beating on each other with pool-noodle swords. I loved it though and gradually came to be a fully fledged member.

The third layer was cosplay and geek conventions. Similar to LARPing, cosplaying is dressing up in sometimes very strange and gender-reversing costumes, in public. The key to all three of these, I think, was the fact that you are in a group. Riding a bus in a costume, alone, still requires some courage on my part.

The key was years of exposure therapy and the comeraderie of people who were having the time of their lives. This has allowed me to implement many unusual things in my life that have greatly contributed to my happiness. My hair is a great example. I got some looks the first time I cut my hair an inch short, however the fact that I can spend 30 seconds on it per day and still look exactly the way I want to look is basically a miracle.

All of that being said, those close to me still have the ability to effect me with their opinions. I am not an island ‘gainst whom no entreaties may change. I am lucky enough to have an intimate circle comprised of those who truly want what is best for me and recognize that I am the best judge of that. I genuinely have no idea what I would be able to do if someone I loved was dead set against a decision I felt I needed to make.

To anyone searching for how to care less about the opinions of others, my advice is simple: act in a play, cosplay at a con, and join your nearest LARP group.