The Need in the Want

In the ongoing Great Debate about needs versus wants, I've seen heavy emphasis put on the ‘need’ side. This is logical as needs are of vital importance to human beings in order to exist and exist happily. However, what information might be gained if we turned our attention to the wants?

I've developed a technique for myself that was originally designed to help me feel less wistful whenever I saw something I wanted. The idea is to write down the thing I want (for example let’s use a houseboat). Then I write down the need behind the want (in this case it was fewer possessions and the ability to store and manage them all easily). Last, I write down how I could meet the need with the abilities I have (I have the ability to give things away and work to manage my storage more efficiently). The by-product of all this was uncovering the need in the want.

This concept and technique gives the power back to me, similarly to my blog about active choosing. When I've identified how I can accomplish what I really want/need, I no longer have any feelings or judgements about anything external. If I want better storage so much, I need to go ahead and make that happen! It's no one’s responsibility but mine to create what I need.

What needs might be lurking in your wants?

The Choice is Yours

The Twelfth Doctor of popular UK television show Doctor Who, played by Peter Capaldi, once said “Sometimes the only choices you have are bad ones. But you still have to choose.” This is an incredibly powerful statement, in its truth and in its connotations. There is also great power in the act of choosing.

There have been times in my life, as in every life, when I was faced with exactly this kind of choice. Where, as far as I saw at the time, and with the abilities I had then, I was limited to “bad choices”. Everything seemed to have a negative outcome, so it came down to figuring out which one resulted in the lesser amount.

It was only once I began to be aware of and utilise a certain mindset that I became able to really deal with and accept those situations and their outcomes. That mindset is about the act of choosing. Recognising that we do always have choices, that they sometimes just suck, and yet still moving forward.

Other options include refusing to choose, playing the victim of circumstance, wallowing in self pity, and blaming others. I've probably defaulted to every one of these options in the past and I do not recommend them. None of them set out a clear or short path out of the negative circumstances because they all involve delay in accepting the truth.

When we look clearly and honestly at all our options, weigh them, then take responsibility for the one we put into action, then we are closer to accepting the consequences. We know we chose the best option, even out of a detrimental selection, and it was our choice to enact it. We weren't forced. The power is 100% with us. The consequences will happen anyway, at least this way we are in charge and have the power.

What choice could you make that would empower you?

ADHD During the Holidays

Whenever I attend an ADHD support group meeting during the holidays, I know with grim certainty what I'm going to hear. Even just thinking about it, my heart sinks and I wish I had a magic wand to prevent the pain I know will be occurring.

Life is difficult enough for people with ADHD, and the holiday season, while delightfully enjoyable to some, brings fresh challenges that complicate things more. Organisational, financial, physical health problems, and emotional wounds reopened are just some of the things that cause us to feel, at best, overwhelmed, and at worst a deep sense of dread.

Tom Magliozzi famously said “Happiness equals reality minus expectations.” This is often true around the holidays when shining childhood memories or visions from the silver screen inflate what we expect from the season.

So how do we deal with all these pitfalls? My method is awareness and proactivity.

My family and I utilise a strategy which encompasses both these principles. At the beginning of the holiday season, we sit down and plan the events and activities that truly “make Christmas” for us. When I was younger it was important to find out if I wanted the Christmas tree put up before or after my birthday.

I also do this privately. I examine my expectations around the holidays and take steps to fulfil my own desires. I plan time for every little thing I want to happen, because I know it won't come to pass otherwise.

Not all our desires are technically in our control to meet, however. We may expect others to provide certain things for us. This of course is not in our control, unless we state openly and categorically what it is we want given to us, for example. I've used this technique with my ADHD family before. I traded surprise for more confidence in the usefulness of my presents.

What about when requesting isn't possible? In cases like this, the only remedy for me is awareness. Only when I acknowledge what is and is not likely to happen can I let go and enjoy what will be.

Awareness can also assist with those people we see over the holidays who may not “get it” when it comes to us and our ADHD. The challenges I share with my fellow ADHD brains simply make no sense to many neurotypical people, and I need to be ok with that.

And, as much as it chills me to contemplate, I may need to engage in... Small talk. Even the words make me shudder. Small talk is one of those things that people with ADHD consistently report loathing. However, awareness of this unfortunate reality allows me to gear up and prepare ahead of time, instead of unconsciously expecting something else that will inevitably be disappointed.

It's taken me 25 years to learn that my expectations can only be met by me. This seems like a very long time. However, it is half the time it has taken others, thanks to the increased awareness and education about ADHD. It has also enabled me to strive to empower others to take control of their happiness through their expectations. That is something I am grateful for.

What does the holiday season look like to you?

Routine Versus Spontaneity

The words “routine” and “spontaneity” seem to be antonyms. What could be more opposite than “a sequence of actions regularly followed” and “a sudden inner impulse without premeditation”? To me, however, they are not as dissimilar as they first appear.

I have already written about the role routine plays in my life and the benefits I, and others with ADHD, gain when utilising it. Another benefit is that of freeing me to live in the moment. My routines are the foundation on which I build my life. The “sequence of actions” that make up my routines all contribute in some small but fundamental way to me being able to function, whether at all or optimally. If my bed isn’t made, my dishes washed, my clothes clean and put away, I would not be able to act on any “inner impulse”.

This paradox can be likened to a building. It’s a lot more fun to pick out curtains and paint the trim than it is to plan the basement and hammer together the studs and joists for the walls and floors. However, curtains and trim in the middle of an empty lot gets cold and wet, eventually, and does not allow anyone to have much fun.

Balance, as I’ve said again and again, seems to be the key. Routine allows for spontaneity but neither in isolation create joy. This is the careful union of forces I will continue to strive to achieve.

What allows you to create spontaneous joy?

An Exploration of Need Versus Want

People often say “I need this” and that is perfectly valid. Every human being has many needs. Those needs may be difficult to define, articulate, and get met, but they exist.

Do we ever stop to question what it is we need those things to do? This is why another way I define the concept of “need”, as opposed to want, is the word “required”. In order to ski, a strong argument can be made that a person needs skis. They may want expensive skis, they may have an easier time skiing with a certain type of ski, and they may not even want to ski at all, but they definitely need skis in order to ski.

So when we say “I need this”, I would want to examine that. The examination might allow us to determine if that desire is a need or a want.

I often say “I need sleep”. That's a vague idea. What I really mean is “I need to have high quality sleep, for approximately nine hours, beginning at 10PM in order to be most productive in life.” So, logically, if I wasn't aiming to be productive, I wouldn't have this need. This need is in aid of productivity. I want to be productive because I need to financially support myself. For that goal I need to be productive enough to sustain the amount of work that allows for a supporting income.

I believe this is a lot of what coaches do. They look for the wheat germ of the goals and needs and assist in separating it from the chaff of everything else in life. In order to help determine what is a need versus a want, it can help to first know what it is you need that thing to accomplish.

What do you need?

What Intellect is Not

I recently had a dear friend say to me “I'm continually amazed that anyone is able to communicate at all. Every word is a translation because of the specific and unique meaning we have for them.” I completely agree. Someone’s use of any given word can confuse or even insult depending on their personal meaning.

Not even a dictionary is any help with this issue. English is a continuously shifting and changing thing. It is usage altered every day; a moving target.

A word I find extremely frustrating in this regard is “intelligence” and its synonyms. This word has so many widespread incorrect meanings and usage that it may one day actually change to mean them. Then we’ll have to come up with another word.

A lot of people with ADHD are told they are stupid. This is for all sorts of reasons, one being a commonly held misconception about intelligence: that intellectual capacity is either synonymous with or at least always accompanied by an excellent memory. If someone has a poor memory, so says common wisdom, they cannot possibly be smart.

This is clearly not the case. Having a good memory does not mean the person has the ability to utilize the information retained and having poor recall does not preclude it.

It is related to the erroneous idea that a large vocabulary is an indicator of intelligence. I've heard it said that a person needs complex language in order to express complex ideas. That assumes that if someone is intelligent they are able to articulate it. How often has someone had an idea they simply lacked the language to express? Even with a large and complex vocabulary. That does not mean the intelligence is less, it simply means others cannot experience it.

Another frustrating phenomenon of mistaken intelligence was personified in an ad for theSkimm.com, a newsletter that sends the latest world headlines to your email every morning. Their tagline “TheSkimm makes it easier to be smarter.” while pithy, is almost entirely incorrect. Being informed or aware of current events does not make you smart. I'd even argue the opposite. If someone had a gift for a specific topic or area, are they best served spreading their energy and time across a wide area? I don't think they are.

When theSkimm.com invited me to sign up for their newsletter, the decline button was labeled “No thanks, I prefer to be miserable in the morning.” I guess they've never heard of a news holiday and don't know that if I subscribed to them that would in fact be what would make me miserable in the morning.

All of this does not even begin to touch on the different kinds of intelligence. Social, emotional, mechanical, academic, and others that simply do not have labels yet.

I hope we can begin to look for, celebrate, and utilize the intellect in our fellow humans. We as a species need all the smarts we can get.

The Paradox of Change

It is relatively easy for humans to maintain the status quo. We like things to remain the same. There's even a section about that in the fundamental level of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Human beings need a certain amount of homeostasis. Even ADHD brains who are essentially hardwired to love change.

It occurred to me recently that the reason or catalyst for positive change is a bit of a paradox. It’s very rare and difficult to force somebody to change, particularly if they aren't aware of or won't acknowledge there's a problem. However, without others to reflect things to us, lots of us would have no knowledge of anything amiss. Like the frog in the pot. The bubbles are rising all around us, but because it happened so gradually, we fail to notice.

On the other hand, it is incredibly difficult and unlikely that anyone will change, even if they are aware of the problem, without the help of any other person. Support of loved ones is often a crucial piece of change for the better. And yet, if others supporting us is the only piece, and we lack motivation, awareness, opportunity, and intent, then change is very unlikely to occur.

Human beings sure are funny, aren't we? And the above paradox doesn't even begin to touch on the conundrum of what even constitutes a problem! One person’s pig sty is another person’s immaculate palace. Though to me, the real yardstick is functionality. Is the person in question doing what they want and need to do? And the answer to that is incredibly complex.

What did it take for you to change?